Sending out an S.O.S.

Remember how we sleep trained Noob… once upon a time?

Well, it took about 5 months, but I guess she finally caught on to our presumptuous little scheme.

About a week ago, the light bulb came on in her big bobbly head. It was an ordinary evening. There weren’t any indicators that the shit was about to hit the fan.

But just as I was putting her to bed, Noob Baby turned to me with this look. She stood up on her trunky legs and gripped the crib rails with way too much conviction. I feared what she had to say. I kid you not, these were Noob Baby’s exact words from a highly slightly dramatized eyewitness account:

Noob: “I see what you’ve done, Mother. You’ve pulled the wool over my eyes. Oh, Ferber! You will rue the day! I will resist this! This Noob is no pacifist. Fie you lemming.”

(patooey … the sound of her spitting her pacifier on the ground)

And she pounded her chest with a final decree, “Viva la resistance!!”

As you can imagine, I was quite speechless. I whimpered out of the nursery and hoped it was all a bad dream. Well, no such luck. The next night… I was on a different planet.

Sleep training. Ferber. Two weeks of tears and cheap booze. Gone. Finished. Finito!!

So, here I am now. Telling you my SOB story. I am finally admitting to you what I’ve been living with/in for the last week.

Noob Baby (or rather “Il Noob Bebe” as she has hailed herself) has made it clear that her new bedtime is at 9:00 pm. And she has other demands. These are just a few that I found nailed to her nursery door (I have left the punctuation and use of all-caps in tact to preserve the nature of the message):

  • Laying is for the WEAK! Only standing will be permitted in the crib. AT ALL TIMES!
  • Addendum to above: In some circumstances where it is a NECESSARY EVIL, sitting in the crib will be permitted, for up to 5 minutes maximum.
  • “BINKIES” are a sign of weakness, and therefore, are expected to be discarded from the crib.
  • Addendum to above: In some circumstances (see first addendum) binkies may be permissable.
  • Jumping in bed = Cool
  • Sleeping in bed = Not Cool
  • Bedtime begins when I sez so. Probs around 9 ish.

Call me crazy, but I couldn’t just go down without a fight. So, I’ve been scouring the internet. High and low. I Googled: “What has taken over my baby???”

And this is the closest answer I’ve found. Two words…

Sleep Regression.

Can it be true? Will all of this madness pass someday? This diabolical baby regime! We, the frightened populace, beg you… dear, compassionate blog reader… send some advice.

Just help a mutha out.

Send comments in an unmarked attache. Drop off at the old clock tower. Dusk.
Or, send comments by way of
message in a bottle. Sending out an S.O.S.
Or, you know, just leave me a comment below. Keep it old skool.

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Sleep Training Complete

For those of you uninterested in CIO, Ferber, and all things sleep training, here’s a link to one of my favorite Onion articles! Hope it gets a ROFL out of ya.

This post is a follow-up to our Sleep Training Adventure with Noob Baby. I’d like to share our results for the noob parents out there who have similar sleep troubles. I know when I was considering sleep training, I was searching everywhere for someone’s play-by-play. I’m anal like that. So here’s my play-by-play with a big Noob Mommy Seal of Approval.

Note: Noob Mommy is a self-proclaimed softy pretending to be a hard ass. So, for all you softies out there, the training IS hard to bear (think Chinese water torture), IS going to make you feel like the Stalin of parenting, and IS totally worth a shot if you want your baby to be a happy, independent sleeper.

Ferber Sleep Training Results
for Noob Baby at 6 months
(not recommended for babies under 4 mos age)


Night 1
Cried for 31 min. at bedtime before finally falling asleep.

Slept through the
night until 6 am. (10 hrs nighttime sleep)

Day 2
Nap 1: Cried for 45 min.

Nap 2:
Cried for 25 min.
Nap 3:
Didn’t sleep.
Bedtime: Fell asleep after bottle.
Slept through night till 6:30 am (11.5 hours nighttime sleep)

Day 3
Averaged
15 min. of crying for all naps & bedtime.
Woke at 4 am. Cried for 1 hr. Woke for the day at 8:00 am. (11 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 4
Naps 1 & 2: No crying
. Fell asleep within minutes.
Bedtime: Cried for 8 min.
Woke at 5:00 am. Cried for 45 min. Woke for the day at 7:00 am. (10 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 5
Naps 1 & 2: Cried for 5 min.
Played in crib for awhile, then fell asleep.
Bedtime: Cried for 20 min.
Slept through night till 6:30 am. (11 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 6
Nap 1: Cried for
45 min. Didn’t sleep.
Nap 2:
Cried for 5 min.
Nap 3:
No crying.
Bedtime: Cried for 25 min.
Slept through night till 5:30 am. (9.5 hrs. nighttime sleep)

*After Day 6, significant improvement! Much less crying at naps & bedtime.*

Day 7
Naps 1, 2 & 3: Cried for
10 min.
Bedtime: Cried for 5 min.
Slept through night till 6:00 am. (9.5 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 8
Naps 1 & 2: Cried for less than 5
min.
Bedtime: Cried for 25 min.
Woke at 4 am. Fell back asleep at 4:30. Woke for the day at 7 am (11.5 hrs. nighttime sleep)

*After Day 8, biggest improvement! Noob Baby plays and falls asleep on her own in the crib*

Day 9
Naps 1 & 2:
No crying. Averages 20 min. of playing in crib before falling asleep.
Bedtime: Laid in bed for 5 min.
Slept through night till 5:30 am. (10 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 10
Naps 1, 2 & 3:
No crying. Averages 15 min. of playing in crib before falling asleep.
Bedtime: Laid in bed for 5 min.
Slept through night till 6:30 am. (11.5 hrs. nighttime sleep)

Day 11
Naps 1, 2 & 3:
No crying. Averages less than 5 min. of playing in crib before falling asleep.
Bedtime: Laid in bed for 5 min.
Slept through night till 5:30 am. (9.5 hrs. nighttime sleep)

At this time, we set Noob Baby down in the crib fully awake with her pacifier (which she uses only at naps & bedtime). She normally plays for a few minutes, then rolls over and falls alseep on her own. No more fussing, rocking, or middle of the night waking.

While this sleep training isn’t designed for all babies, it’s worth trying for at least a week if you notice tiny improvements each day. Please don’t try this for babies younger than 4 months old. Good luck!

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