Remember how we sleep trained Noob… once upon a time?
Well, it took about 5 months, but I guess she finally caught on to our presumptuous little scheme.
About a week ago, the light bulb came on in her big bobbly head. It was an ordinary evening. There weren’t any indicators that the shit was about to hit the fan.
But just as I was putting her to bed, Noob Baby turned to me with this look. She stood up on her trunky legs and gripped the crib rails with way too much conviction. I feared what she had to say. I kid you not, these were Noob Baby’s exact words from a
highly slightly dramatized eyewitness account:
Noob: “I see what you’ve done, Mother. You’ve pulled the wool over my eyes. Oh, Ferber! You will rue the day! I will resist this! This Noob is no pacifist. Fie you lemming.”
(patooey … the sound of her spitting her pacifier on the ground)
And she pounded her chest with a final decree, “Viva la resistance!!”
As you can imagine, I was quite speechless. I whimpered out of the nursery and hoped it was all a bad dream. Well, no such luck. The next night… I was on a different planet.
Sleep training. Ferber. Two weeks of tears and cheap booze. Gone. Finished. Finito!!
So, here I am now. Telling you my SOB story. I am finally admitting to you what I’ve been living with/in for the last week.
Noob Baby (or rather “Il Noob Bebe” as she has hailed herself) has made it clear that her new bedtime is at 9:00 pm. And she has other demands. These are just a few that I found nailed to her nursery door (I have left the punctuation and use of all-caps in tact to preserve the nature of the message):
- Laying is for the WEAK! Only standing will be permitted in the crib. AT ALL TIMES!
- Addendum to above: In some circumstances where it is a NECESSARY EVIL, sitting in the crib will be permitted, for up to 5 minutes maximum.
- “BINKIES” are a sign of weakness, and therefore, are expected to be discarded from the crib.
- Addendum to above: In some circumstances (see first addendum) binkies may be permissable.
- Jumping in bed = Cool
- Sleeping in bed = Not Cool
- Bedtime begins when I sez so. Probs around 9 ish.
Call me crazy, but I couldn’t just go down without a fight. So, I’ve been scouring the internet. High and low. I Googled: “What has taken over my baby???”
And this is the closest answer I’ve found. Two words…
Can it be true? Will all of this madness pass someday? This diabolical baby regime! We, the frightened populace, beg you… dear, compassionate blog reader… send some advice.
Just help a mutha out.
Send comments in an unmarked attache. Drop off at the old clock tower. Dusk.
Or, send comments by way of message in a bottle. Sending out an S.O.S.
Or, you know, just leave me a comment below. Keep it old skool.
We went through that a couple times, especially after big changes. My daughter would learn how to stand, learn how to talk, cut some teeth (we blame everything on cutting teeth in my house), changes in time zones, vacations, etc… but big changes would always set it off for my daughter. But after a week or two, and continual dedication to stick to our bedtime plan, she’d always go back to her normal sleeping habits. The worst was around when she was two, it was dead winter and not getting as much stimulation, and she would not want to nap. My perfect napper decided she was not wanting to nap anymore! But by the end of the day without a nap, there were crazy meltdowns. So, I stuck with it. Kept trying every day and stuck to the bedtime routine, even if she never fell asleep. And after a couple of weeks, she was back to napping consistently again! Best of luck. Hilarious post, by the way!
Well here we are. In purgatory. Somewhere between the heaven of a good nights sleep in sight and teetering on the edge of hell itself. 16 month old babe who has regressed with utter conviction leaving my husband and I looking like two red eyed Jedi’s. So, we’ve had to start again. Thankfully you and your fabulous cheat sheets are here to remind me of what our bleary eyed, foggy minded selves did the last time! I have so much love and adoration for my gorgeous little girl, she is our absolute life, but, SHE WILL BE FERBED! Battle commenced 20 minutes ago and the result Mom 1: Babes 0 – Suck it and sleep! WOOP!
You’re a saint with a (sometimes) foul mouth! Thank you for your candid posts; I am frantically googling baby sleep habits/training and stumbling upon your blog was a godsend! My husband was able to finally get the baby to sleep in the time I was obsessively perusing your blog, but it helps to know we’re not alone!
Heh.Seems like it never ends, I’ve got a 13 year old and now we fight over what time is bedtime
I am scared now…thanks! My little booger is 4 1/2 months and just went through the first version of this waking up in the middle of the night once or twice wanting to eat. After two weeks it went back to normal and I thought we were totally out of the woods…looks like we are going to be in for another couple of rounds (and maybe some liquor in a baby bottle?!)
Jenni Jiggety says
Oh man…maybe it is just a little phase?
(sigh) And here I thought that *I* was the only lucky one.
lol, hilarious! Well, not the fact that she is resisting bedtime all of a sudden, but the way you wrote it. My little on is a year & two months and I'm sorry to tell you this will happen from time to time. It's almost like she's checking to make sure we're really serious about this bedtime thing, testing to see if she puts up a fuss maybe we won't keep torturing her by putting her to bed at a reasonable hour. We just batten down the hatches, dig our heels in and proceed as normal…while out of her sight we whimper and cling to one another wondering how many nights she will test our bedtime routine before settling down and succumbing to our ridiculous notion that she needs sleep. The only advice I have (sorry to say I have no magic) is to keep doing what you've always done. Once she sees that she can get her way or change things by putting up a fuss she will learn to do it all the more. Just act like it's any normal night (before the resistance). But be prepared because it will probably happen again, maybe not for another four months…but it will (still got my fingers crossed for you that you'll be lucky though). 🙂 Good luck!!
I enjoyed reading your post. Very well written with nice touch of humor, but I can actually tell how frustrated you must be too. Who knew parenting would be this hard? Each stage of a child brings on different challenges and my preschooler is a living proof of it currently as well.
ahhh. my little noob did this to me and i said i am going to re ferberize your a**!
okay i totally didnt say that. i just patted his back and said i love you baby night night! and closed the door and ran outside!
hes doing well now but every few mornings he wakes up at 5 am and says SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! I AM NO WEAKLING! muahahahahaha!
i read ferbers book and i read weisbluths book (which is really good!) but nobody will explain if 2 one hour naps with no day sleep after 2pm! is okay for an almost 10 month old.
he goes to bed at 7 which is early enough imo, but he is awake for 5 hours beforehand!
sigh….. why cant they pop out of there with a handbook or something?
Unfortunately this post was a smidge late for us. Tori just went through the 4 month version of this. I had a wonderful sleeping baby, and then OUT OF RIGHT FIELD. Up every 1 to 1.5 hours. It last for about 10 days and then on day 11 she just slept. Took several good naps on day 11 and then that night…boom sound asleep for 9 hours. It just passed. I hope it goes as smoothly for you as it did for us….
I swear that was me writing that installment. My little girl just turned 10 months, and I am going through the same thing. In fact, I was just sitting down to the computer to google everything myself, when I checked in on your blog first. I thought I was done sleep training 4 months ago!!! Except mine goes down still okay about 8ish, but then is up about midnight, fightin’ mad. At first I thought she might be sick, but doc said all is good, so last night, I went in and sat with her, thinking, “oh, poor thing, maybe you’re teething, to which she answered with some happy babbling. To which I then thought, “okay, I’ve totally been suckered.” So I told her to go back to sleep, which she kindly protested for about an hour (my poor husband slept on the couch with earplugs in! 🙂 So even though I didn’t give any words of advice, I’m right there with you- So I am hoping someone will come up with something. I don’t want to start Ferber all over again, but it looks like I might have too?
Your little Noob is just too cute-