In no particular order …
1. Eating my weight in ice cream, chocolate, cakes, cookies, cupcakes, candy, Cheetos, and apparently anything that begins with a “C”. In fact, I ate the letter C, too, and now the alphabet only has 25 letters. Suckers!
2. People opening doors for me. This was sweet and all when I was waddling around all prego. However, now that I’m huffing and puffing around with my janky stroller, it would be even more appreciated if people didn’t just let big heavy doors slam in my face. It’s particularly ungraceful to lunge forward in your cute new heels as you sacrifice
Noob Baby stroller wheel to block doorway. It is even more uncute doing this while carrying shopping bags, a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and having Old Snide Guy smirk while watching me perform this maneuver. Jerk.
3. Expectant Mother Parking. True story. Where I live, there are maybe two places that have glorious EMP spots. It’s a mirage. It’s a miracle. And, I appreciate it so much more now that I have double the amount of things to carry. Moms need their own fire lane.
4. A legitimate excuse for being ridiculously out of breath after going up a
flight few flights of stairs. (I say this as I wipe the Hot Cheetos crumbs from my keyboard).
5. The Pregnancy Glow. And by *glow* I mean the complete opposite. I wouldn’t actually know about this because I think it only exists in US Weekly. Prego Noob Mommy = Pubescent Teenager With Raging Acne. No, not bitter. Rabidly spiteful more like.
6. No Aunt Flo. And no elaboration necessary.
7. Stretchy Pants & Bella Bands. Remember the days when you were like, “Mmm… I could really unbutton my jeans right now after that gorgefest. Oh wait. Done!”
8. Hubby baby-talking my belly. Now when he does it, it truly does not have the same effect. Tip: A right hook to hubby’s jaw while he pinches belly is just as endearing.
9. The Golden Enlightenment Trimester. Never heard of it? Oh, that’s the 2 day window during the pregnancy where you have sextacular juggs and you’re showing just enough to have a little junk in the trunk. It’s basically when you look like Jessica Freakin Alba, and hubby’s like, “Hey, how you doin?”
10. My naive former self. The one who innocently thought, “Pshh, I rocked those all-nighters in college. No problemo. The sleep thing won’t be too bad.” Um … that version of myself is currently chain-smoking Marlboros at a truck stop and swindling grandmas out of their bingo allowance.
And to wrap up … a look back at Noob Mommy’s “naive former self”: