I’m going to be having surgery for the first time tomorrow.
Lasik eye surgery.
It’ll be the first time in 20 years that I’ll be able to see unassisted! I’m soooooo excited.
Noob Daddy and I are throwing together a mini bonfire of sorts. We’re going to burn all my old glasses and contacts. It’ll be a spectacle! (pun intended)
The bonfire will last all of 2 minutes. It’ll be rather anticlimactic. But you’re all invited anyway 🙂
Interesting thing about my surgeon. I was told he’s done this procedure over 40,000 times. YOWZAS! That’s a lot of times. I was like, “Ok…. that’s impressive. Or …. is it monotonous?” I mean, after that many times, you probably want to make things thrilling again. You give yourself records to try and break.
If I can just get it down to 10.088 seconds per eye.
Or like, “See! No hands!! Blindfolded even!”
And then I was “reassured” that he’d actually been doing LASIK since before it was FDA approved in the US. And you can imagine how my expression turned from impressed to confused-sketched-out-disturbed. Apparently, he was doing LASIK in China where the FDA there snorts asbestos and eats lead for breakfast.
I started envisioning some of my peeps in China who were early patients of my surgeon aka Dr. Freakin Frankenstein. Visions of Chinese cyborgs dance in my head….
Ok, no… I’m being silly…. but seriously… ??
Oh, and another thing. I hate eye exams. It’s stressful, and I always feel like a failure in the end. Reading the charts. The Os and Cs and Gs all look the same to me. Of course, I’m leaned all the way forward with my face plastered to the binocular machine, squinting….sweating… trying to read that very last line but all the time wondering if he wiped off the machine after the person before me. I feel like I’ve got 10 people’s face oils all over my chin and forehead. I know…. it’s gross.
My optometrist (not Frankenstein) is so sweet and encouraging too. He’s like, “There you go! You got it! Great job!” But it’s not like I’m doing it on my own or anything. He’s got that machine jacked up to -1200 or something and still complimenting my vision. What a sweetheart.
Then there’s the: “Is 1 better or 2 … 1 or 2 … 2 or 1… 1 or …. “
I’m like, “Uhhh…. C. I mean … False! Oh god, I’m blind. I dunno. Phone a friend.”
Meanwhile, the optometrist is putting coke bottles and shards of glass over the machine… trying to stifle his laugh. “So you’re saying 1 is better? *stifling laugh* but… but… it can’t be, FOOL! They’re the same. Ha!”
Let’s not even talk about the air-blowing-in-the-eye-machine. That “machine” has got to be a sick optometry joke. I bet they have video cameras set up to watch patients flinch back 5 feet when the air strikes. The US should just use that machine instead of waterboarding. I’m just sayin.
Have you ever done the machine where you have to press a button each time you see spots of light appear? Another one that sets you up for failure. I just keep my eyes open during the entire test without blinking. Three minutes later my eyeballs are calcified. You kind of feel like you’re on a game show with that buzzer, too. My approach is just to press the button every 3 seconds in hopes I get at least a C- average.
My claim to fame … I take eye drops well. I can keep those suckers open without any problem. And, I was also told that I dilate well too. Sexy.