Intro to Anatomy with Dr. Noob Mommy

I woke up this morning completely famished. Actually, I wake up almost every morning wondering what the hell happened to my dinner?

I find it so unbelievable, incomprehensible, unfathomable that most people go about their day without breakfast. I’m a 3+ meals/day kinda gal. When I was teaching, recess was the 10 minute break where I got to hide underneath my desk and consume a deer carcass.

I try not to have any morning conversations without some food in my stomach for fear of:

a) fainting mid-conversation

b) inhaling the face off the person I’m conversing with

c) zoning out during the conversation only to burst out uncontrollably, “Duuuude… I could totally go for some freakin french toast right now.”

So, when I woke up starving (again) this morning, I really started to think about the cause of this phenomenon… one that doesn’t seem to plague most normal people.

And since I’m a “board certified physician,” I thought I’d enlighten you with my professional medical conclusion:

1. Was I PMSing? Because you are most definitely allowed to eat a dozen cupcakes when you are PMSing. Hands down. No judgment. End of story.

But alas, no… not the case.

2. Crap. Am I pregnant? See #1.

Sorry Noob Daddy, not this time. Bwahaha.

That leaves only one explanation. This is totally scientific. This is your Intro to Anatomy, future med students of the world.

I. Am. A. Ruminant.

In layman’s terms… I have four stomachs. Yes, like a cow. But it certainly explains why I frequently have heartburn. My digested food is trying to regurgitate itself in cud form.

Here is a comparison of the normal human digestive system and Noob Mommy’s digestive system:

Can you tell which bangin hot torso is mine? Yep, the one with four stomachs all squished together. It makes perfect sense. This is why I’m still hungry after Second Dinner and Second Dessert.

However, this revelation does make me nervous about my upcoming blood test on Monday. The one where I have to fast for 8 hours beforehand. My appointment is at 10:40 am, which means no first, second, or third breakfast for me.

So, I envision two scenarios happening:

1) I turn all Twilight on the phlebotomist.

Phlebotomist: Please hold out your arm for me please.

Me (Noob Cullen): *Snarling* You know, you’re my own personal drug. *licking lips*

Phleb: …

Me: Hey, so is it totally f-d up if I drink my own blood through a straw? I’m Renesmee is dying for a little sumthin sumthin here.

Phleb: Um, who is Renesmee?

2) I consume the talking steakhead phlebotomist, which inevitably skews my cholesterol levels and blood work. Thus resulting in me having to go back in for a do-over.

Sigh, what to do… what to do.

This concludes our Intro to Anatomy lesson for today. Class dismissed.