Let Me Introduce Myself
Hi, I’m Noob Mommy. I used to blog about my two noob babies. Looks like that was over a year ago! Well, let’s see what’s happened since then… oh yeah… I now have a 7-yr-old and a 3-yr-old! What happened to those babies?! My 7-yr-old, whom I shall now call Noob 1.0, just lost her two front teeth… which means …. we get to hear All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth for the next three months. Two back-to-back visits from the Tooth Fairy in two days was pretty epic. And by “epic,” I mean that by Day 2, she didn’t even rush into my room the next morning to tell me the Tooth Fairy visited. It was whatevs.
Now Settle Down!
My 3-yr-old, Noob 2.0, has started preschool. PRESCHOOL!! I now have two little mini-me’s that I pack lunches for. They wear backpacks that are 2/3 their size and go off to have adventures and conflicts without me! They come home with messy ponytails and stinky socks. At 3:00 pm, you’ll find a pile of dusty shoes in our car and two kids singing songs they learned at school at the top of their lungs… in each other’s faces. At the back of my neck. Directly into my ear canal.
You know how there’s the grumpy grandpa who yells, “SETTLE DOWN!!!” at Thanksgiving dinner. Well, that’s me. Everyday. Now I know why they have that phrase Bite your tongue. I literally have to bite my tongue so that I don’t use the words STUPID, SHUT UP, and of course STFU on an
hourly daily basis at my offspring. Teacher training comes in handy! That Hulk vein in the side of my neck is getting pretty impressive. I should probably name it. And those cartoons with the steam coming out of a person’s head. That’s also me, everyday. Instead of cute stick figure decals on the back of my car, I just need a big green hulk mom hunched over the steering wheel with bulging veins and a steaming cranium. Maybe I should be smoking a cigar too.
So, with so much teeth business lately, I couldn’t help but think that before I was a parent, I really didn’t want to look at teeth. Not a fan of teeth.. other people’s teeth… or bloody gums and fleshy gaping holes in gums. But as soon as you’ve got a kid with a loose tooth that bends at a 90 degrees, you get over your heebie jeebies. You become a Frankendentist. As Noob 1.0 was sitting up on the bathroom counter meekly pulling back her tooth, revealing a fleshy hole, I found a determination only suitable for war medics. I had presented her with a floss pick to slide across the top of the tooth to use as leverage. I suggested she use the floss string to slice the root off. (What is wrong with me?!) I had my hand cradling the back of her head as leverage while I promised her I wouldn’t pull the tooth … but I totally did. Dick move. I never had such laser sharp focus. If only I had that kind of focus back in college, I might’ve become a dentist. In retrospect, that was pretty messed up and slightly disturbing. But at the time, it was … Life or Death. I had one mission only. To get that tooth (and its twin sister) OUT! We’re in a war, Soldier! Man the f%$! up!
Moral of the story: Don’t get me near a loose tooth. And certainly not two days in a row.
After the big extraction, it quickly dawned on me that I wasn’t quite sure I had any half-dollars lying around for the Tooth Fairy to deliver. Which made me think, the Tooth Fairy sucks. I am not a fan of all these elaborate, contrived rituals. Tooth Fairy. Easter Bunny. Etc.
Leprechauns Are Dicks
For St. Patrick’s Day, we had to build Leprechaun Traps for her school project! Which resulted in me having to go along with the whole charade that there are leprechauns creeping around, because her teacher had convinced her that there are leprechauns. Honestly, Noob 1.0 schooled me in Leprechaun lore. I always thought they were cute smallish guys who sat next to a pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Turns out, they’re just dicks that steal stuff and mess up your shit.
Noob 1.0: Leprechauns are sneaky and they loooooove mischief, Mom. They come into our classroom at night and mess up all our desks! They turned over our chairs and messed up our reading corner!
Me: (Thinking: They sound like assholes.) Well, that’s not nice. I wonder why they do that.
N1.0: Because they’re looking for treasure and money of course.
Me: So they’re robbers?
N1.0: No, Mom! They love shiny coins and money. Remember, pot of gold??
Me: Hmm… They sound like robbers. I mean, that’s great honey! As long as I don’t have to get involved and pretend to be a leprechaun and leave you a present. Hahahehe.. Just kidding!
N1.0: No you don’t, but
we you do have to build a working Leprechaun trap that’s due next week.
So what I built was… a dick in a box…trap. Happy St. Patty’s Day!
– Here’s where I say sorry to all my Irish friends –
I didn’t grow up with any of these characters when I was a kid. No sneaky leprechauns, tooth fairies, Easter bunny or Santa. My parents were immigrants and just totally practical.
Christmas: We bought you all these presents with our hard-earned money. Now, say thank you.
Easter: Who wants to eat those dyed eggs? What do you mean you don’t eat them?! What a waste. There are kids in China with no eggs!
Thank god my parents didn’t know about the Tooth Fairy or they probably would have left us math workbooks and questionable Chinese herbs under our pillow.
Oh, the LIES!
So now that I’m a parent, I’m trying to play along and make things fun. Plus, Noob Daddy grew up with these traditions so he fills me in when I get confused. Except that these lies are spinning out of control and I can’t remember who brought what. Us, Santa or the Easter Bunny. The noobs have had to correct me on more than one occasion about their presents. I’m just trying to be the C student at this point. The elaborate stories are too much. Elf on the Shelf and giving gifts at Valentine’s (I thought that was just for couples!) … too much work. How do I just sit in the back of the class and show up for the final??
I tried to be creative at first when Noob 1.0 lost her first tooth. I typed up this little itty bitty letter from the Tooth Fairy with cute swashy font and all. I sprinkled glitter around her nightstand to make it look like pixie dust. But this time, she asked why there was so much glitter. And why does the Tooth Fairy leave pixie dust around? The nerve of this kid to question my beautiful glitter explosion.
And someone please tell me if I’m supposed to be hoarding all these little teeth for the next few years. Was I only supposed to keep the first tooth and then throw away all the rest? I feel like a shaman over here collecting tiny kid teeth in a pouch around my neck. Am I supposed to present these to her one day as some sort of reclaimed-teeth-necklace-keepsake? There’s probably one on Etsy right now. Anyway, I’m pretty sure she’s not going to give two shits about her little baby teeth when I give them to her when the day comes. Which might be tomorrow.
She’ll be a tween and be like, “Eew, Mom. That’s so creepy and weird. I don’t want them.”
<TEXT TO HER BESTIE>
MY WEIRDO MOM JUST GAVE ME ALL MY OLD BABY TEETH. GROSS. (not-amused-face emoji)
I know it’s pretty common for parents to keep locks of hair and crusty belly buttons as well. No, no. Not for me. I draw the line at teeth. I’m going to be happy when the jig is up. So tell me… what is your tooth fairy tradition? Are you hoarding teeth and baby parts in a little velvet pouch? What other elaborate traditions did you grow up with or participate in now?