Noob Mommy as Lindsay Lohan (before all the drugs and rehab and stuff)
A couple weeks ago, Noob Baby and I decided to go visit our new neighborhood park. One of the perks of living in Suburbia is that there are many pretty fabulous parks nearby to choose from. Each one, even though they’re all just a couple blocks away from each other, has its own personality.
For example, there’s
1) “Chinese” park
2) Sports park
Chinese park is a great little park that appears to always have a ratio of 8 to 1. 8 Chinese to 1 everybody else.
I’m not even exaggerating. Now since I happen to be Chinese, I find this slightly amusing. Most of the 8 are Chinese grandparents or nannies. They’re always friendly, usually elderly, and they all know one another. I’m not going to lie. I might have spotted more than one rice hat on a few different occasions.
I’ve made a few friends best friends now, but my
MO is still to try and fly below the radar so I don’t have to engage in too many conversations. I wouldn’t want to blow their minds and cause any heart attacks with my impeccable Mandarin speaking skillllz.
Now the second park I love is Sports park. I love running at this park, and Noob Baby loves the grass and playground. It’s a win-win. Nothing too thrilling, just all kinds of sports being played by people of all ages, at all times of the day. In fact, we can hear this happening at 11 pm when Noob Daddy and I are putting on the BenGay, taking our calcium, and throwing our teeth in the Polident. We both grumble, “Who the frick is out playing baseball at this “ungodly” hour?!” We curse the rock-and-roll-playing-dirty-dancing-teenagers and agree that things were so much better before the war.
Whenever we drive by on the weekends we see all the parents out “cheering on” their kids at 8 am. And by “cheering on” I mean throwing back Starbucks like Jager bombs. Then we both make a blood pact that Noob Baby is not going to play any sports. The only sport she’s going to play is the one where the kids make themselves cereal and watch cartoons quietly while the parents sleep in. Love LOVE that sport. I could probably coach that one.
Ok, so all this brings me to our third neighborhood park. Our latest and greatest. And by greatest, I mean the kind of great where you accidentally rub your eyes after you just chopped a bazillion onions and jalapeños cause you were going to make some bangin guacamole. I mean this guac was going to be off the hook, but now you’re temporarily blind and doubled over in pure unadulterated pain.
Ahhhh the new park. *Twinkle in my eye* So Noob Baby and I went to go check out our new park. I shall call it The Real Suburban Stay at Home Mom Park. And I shall list a few things I wish I had known before I had so enthusiastically ventured to TRSSAHMP.
1) No sports bras, running shoes or any fitness related gear permitted.
2) That includes hats and caps NOOB MOMMY!
3) Preferred attire can be from Ann Taylor Loft, Banana Republic, Nordstroms, J Crew, and like stores. Preferably A-line skirts with peep-toed sandals and coordinating sweater set. Score a bonus NOA (Nod of Approval) if your sunglasses fit “just so” on your perfectly coiffed hair. (See #2 about hats).
4) Mothers must come with a mom date. And NO, Noob Mommy… your baby doesn’t count as your date. Your park status is elevated with the number of moms in your party. However, arriving with your own mom (grandparent) does not count.
5) Bonus NOAs are awarded if mom dates show up in coordinating attire. Double NOAs when kids are also coordinating.
6) Bring sandbox toys. No, not the ones you got from last summer’s CVS clearance, Noob Mommy. Legitimate sandbox toys.
7) All toys must be labeled with your noob’s name.
8.) Noob Mommy is a total sucker.
9) Bring a picnic blanket to set down obnoxiously on the rubber turf (NOT GRASS).
10) Smiling at moms not in your party is STRICTLY prohibited and seen as as sign of disrespect to TRSSAHMP.
11) Gossip loudly in at least two octaves and volumes above your normal speaking voice.
12) Fathers may enter TRSSAHMP only after stowing away all manparts in the overhead stowage bin. Caution: Manparts may have shifted during flight.
And yes, I did see one man there that day. He was the only person I fe
lt sorry for as I booked out of there with tears streaming down my face, vowing that I would get those Mean Girls. At prom maybe. I’d show up with a makeover, some cool clothes, and a fancy sandbox toy for Noob Baby. That’ll show TRSSAHMP.
So it’s back to Chinese park and Sports park for us. Unless, of course, one of you fine readers wants to be my mom date? 🙂
Ok I just found your blog recently and was reading some of your old posts—had to comment on this one! I live in So Cal–it’s so true–I can’t tell you how many times my little guy and I checked out a new play place and I ended up kicking myself for having not done my hair or whatever!!! It does feel like high school——if you want help planning a big prom-revenge let me know! HAHA!
This post was hilarious…I’m glad you’re writing again! You think TRSSAHMP is bad, wait until your little Noob is in school- they are there, and it’s worse…
LOL! I’d love to see that park!! Of course, they would throw me out in a second, definitely not one of “them”. Maybe you should get some of the people in “Chinese Park” or “Sports Park” to go there with you and create confusion with your sneakers and caps and noob baby’s old toys from CVS and saying hello to everybody like they are your best friends!! Oh, ok… no need to go that far…NOOB MOMMY RULES!
That is a brilliant suggestion. I am totally going to get my new bloggy mom dates together with my Chinese Park grandparents to take down the Momfia! I think we should have some sort of dance off a la Westside Story.
Hilarious…love the Noob Mommy Mean Girls mock up. We don’t have to worry about those Stepford wives kinds of parks here in Brooklyn…compared to them we’re ghetto.
Wow, did you move to our neighborhood?! Thank you for the laugh once again.
Why don’t you write more often?? 🙂
Firstly, LOVE the illustration. Second, LOL at shifting man parts. You are my new favorite person. ::smooches::
I know the feeling. unfortunately sometimes Mom’s can be “cliquey” (sp?)
If I were you though I would be laughing on the inside at what a bunch of lemmings these ladies seem to be. Skirts and cardigan sets at the park? Where do you live, Stepford County? Geesh. I’m lucky some days if I have a second to run a brush through my hair- and that’s usually only reserved for the days that I have to go to work. If we lived in the same ‘hood, the little man and I would be your plus 2. Then we could form our own little Mom Mafia and all would be right again with the world. Good luck to you and the little noob, I’m sure you’ll be ruling the sandbox before you know it.