The Calm Before the Storm aka The One Where I Go Straight to Hell

I'm gonna make her an offer she can't refuse.

Judging by the title, you’ve probably figured out how our adventures misadventures of preschool are going. I have to say that I was secretly on the same page with most of you who voted that Noob Baby would be an Adios Mother Effer or “AMFer” as you guys aptly named her in the last blog post, The 3 Kinds of Preschoolers. +1 to reader Ashley, who was the only one who guessed she’d be the Calm Before the Storm!

So, before I give you the rundown of how her first week of preschool went, let me just remind you all of a post I wrote awhile ago, The Totally Terrifying Three’s.  There’s one thing we all know about moms. And that is we wear many hats. We nurture, care, nurse, teach, clean, cook, entertain… and bribe, threat, and scare.

We must have the patience of Mother Teresa and the cojones of Don Corleone (bonus points if you’ve got his raspy voice too). As a mom…You. Gots. To. Know.

You gots to know when it’s time to go to the mattresses.

With that said, let me tell you about how this Don Corleone is going straight to hell.

{Cue wavy flashback sequence}

I was prepared on Day 1 of preschool. I knew there would be kicking, screaming, and disowning (on who’s end, TBD). But the thing with preschoolers is, they are totally unpredictable. It’s when you’ve got your kevlar mommy armor on and hubby as your back up, that the pint-sized little person up and pulls a fast one on you. Without a look back, Noob Baby peaced out and was like,  Whatevs Mom. Check ya lates. She even threw in that puckered-lip-chin-nod-skeevy-wink-thing. And just when I was feeling all slighted and unmissed, she called out to me and said, Oh and Mom… Adios Mother Effer!

To put it bluntly, Day 1 left me feeling ridiculously over confident.

Then, preschool Day 2 rolled around.

…

{a highly dramatic pause fills the air}

On day 2, NB knew what was in store for her. I guess somewhere between us having a mother-daughter day (she only goes to school every other day at the moment) and reminding her about communal nap time, NB decided that she didn’t like the idea of school anymore. She begged, she groveled, she pouted, refused clothing, and admitted that her machismo attitude the day before was all smoke and mirrors. She did not want to go back. Like any good mother briber, I cycled through all the tricks in my bag. Now don’t get me wrong. Of course I tried reasoning with her first. But if you know a thing or two about a thing or two, then you know that “reasoning” with a three-year-old boils down to lollipop or no lollipop. Carousel or no carousel. Mickey or no Mickey. I mean, some might call it an art … So anyway, that lasted all of three seconds. To make a long story short, there were words said and nauseating promises made … Disneyland, toys, swimming, it’ll be over before you know it, ice cream, happy faces, stickers, unicorns, rainbows etc. etc. I know there was a proud politician somewhere.

Just as I was ready to throw her over my shoulders and drag her to school like a caveman, Noob Baby laid out our fates. She suggested she stay home and hang out with me. I (already having plans to go frolic the mall and jeer at all the other moms with strollers) told her I wasn’t going to be home to watch her. That’s when it dawned on me, or should I say, The Godfather reared his almighty head. I switched into my Don voice, and said … But who will watch you? Who will protect you from the strangers? You fear the gardeners, and yet, they will be here today. Tell me that. Who will protect you, my child? 

Like. Magic.

Like a freakin clouds-parting-angels-singing miracle, her tears dried up right then and there. And, I kid you not, she added resolutely, “Ok. I’ll go, Mommy.” She velcroed her shoes and climbed into the car. WTF?!! would be an understatement.

I quickly scraped my jaw off the pavement and proceeded to register my spot in hell. There’s a time and a place for bribes and threats. Really, did I just say that? But using stranger danger on your 3-year-old, I know it. I’ve accepted my fate, made peace and vowed to attend chapel with her class every week for the next ? number of graduating classes.

Let me just finish by saying that when I dropped her off this morning, I noticed a tithing basket by the door in her classroom. Oh yes, Noob Mommy will be tithing quite generously today.