It’s 11:20 am on Wednesday, and I just climbed out from under the covers to write this post. Did you know that workout clothes really double nicely as pajamas? On MWF, I usually lift weights in the garage during NB2.0’s nap time, but I was in such a funk that I thought it might be better just to slip back in bed and hide under the covers, hoping that when I wake up, my Bed Time Machine will have either reset the week or fast-forwarded it. So, thank you Lululemon for my expensive (but comfy) sulking pajamas.
You know that moment when you just run out of things– solutions, strategies, rational behavior, coping mechanisms, feelings that you are a good parent, control, patience, empathy. Every play in the book has been tested and you don’t know how you’re going to win the game? Yeah that. Your kids have trampled all over you and the day has barely started. Your kindergartener shouts at you and already knows how to say hurtful things and then both your children throw tantrums in rapid succession. That’s the crazy workplace I’ve been going to for the past few months. The workplace where all of your colleagues are bitchy and irrational.
Have you had that moment when you decide you need a really good cry? You just needed to f*ckin Ferber that shit and CIO (cry it out). I did that. Cried like a baby. Just whimper-hyperventilate-sobbed and felt sorry for myself. When you’re with your kids though, you have to go do that silent really fast efficient cry in the bathroom so your kids don’t get creeped out and traumatized for life. Then you come out and say you have allergies… to your kids (ba dum chh).
I’m having that kind of week where I feel like everything is out of my control and I want to be nowhere near my children. I was thinking I might sugarcoat how that sounds, but truthfully, it feels that bad. I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried to reason and discipline and empathize and everything I can think of in between with my 5-year-old, but to no avail. My entire day is spent on discipline. Trying to find the successes to reward and celebrate has been damn near impossible. It’s the most mentally and emotionally taxing feeling. And I hate feeling helpless.
When Noob Daddy comes home, I want to unload and vent. I’m dying to have a rational, adult conversation. Yet, I can’t because the kids are there and when they’re finally asleep, I’m too drained to talk, and I don’t want to ruin his downtime either. You know what I mean?
So here’s my vent in a nutshell:
- I have a five-year-old who is about to turn 16 next month. She has the pissy attitude of a teenager. Noob “Baby” has decided that “no” should be the first word out of her mouth at any given time. She has also decided that she knows more than Stephen Hawking. She thinks she’s a multi-million dollar prosecutor. She has maybe two facts, but everyday she’s arguing a case in front of the Supreme Court. There is one moment in the day when she’s not in court – when she’s watching Frozen. That moment in the day when she’s watching TV and the house is quiet, is when my toddler is filling her mouth with every choking hazard not yet recognized by the American Academy of Pediatrics. Did you know that you can eat rocks and crayons at the same time? Did you know that when you’re two-years-old, the best time to take an epic dump in your potty training underwear is when Mommy is using the restroom. Synchronized shitting. Very new age.
- I have an almost two-year-old who runs at 50mph at any given time. She puts everything in her mouth. That is all.
So there you have it. Why I’ve been MIA for the last few months. Why I felt the need to hide under my covers today and CIO. I’m not a fan of feeling sorry for myself and venting on my blog when I don’t have any valuable advice to dispense, but to be honest, I feel a bit better. Let me just finish by saying that I know these problems sound very trivial. My life is filled with innumerable blessings to be grateful for, but sometimes these are just the things that overwhelm us and feel insurmountable at a given moment. Thank you for being my sounding wall today. Any parents out there feeling drained and could use a good hibernation? Sulk away in the comments section!
Your blog has been almost as therapeutic as chocolate, which I am eating by the bar these days. I found you randomly searching how to get my 5 month old to sleep longer than 3 hour stretches at night. I desperately asked an almost stranger at trader joes today what to do. Ferber was the answer. Some how I missed this with kid number one, so I set out on a google search to find this magical ferber plan. Your explanation of ferber was a hoot and helpful. The above post was a bonus! I have a 3 year old that expands my mind everyday on what warrants an all out earth shattering knock down drag out tantrum- the beans don’t fell out of my tortilla, mommy thought I was saying prize not PIE!, (and my most recent favorite) I can’t feel my eyebrows! Thanks for the laughter and commiseration!
I love the realism. You’re not complaining, you’re just being real. I think that’s hard for us as moms, hell as women, to do. We brush off compliments, find the silver lining in crap circumstances, and keep give give giving. That’s what makes us all rock stars BUT it’s okay to just be real with it. Friggin love your blog. And today my house is dirty, Stella is down for get nap, and I’m in bed again with my coffee reading (and this I never ever do! Especially when my house is dirty.)
Thanks for being real.
It’s remarkable how you can even make an angsty rant sound funny! Guilt is the number one emotion of any good parent, and you’ll still feel like you’re failing regardless of how how well you’re actually doing. It’s fine to feel like a totally miserable, helpless and useless waste of space every once in a while and also perfectly acceptable to occasionally vent about it to anyone who may listen.
It feels so good to see that I am not the only one who experiences this kind of stuff! As moms we do the best we can, but from time to time a mental breakdown is bound to happen! You will get through it, I have a almost 5 yr old girl going on 15 also! AND a 2yr old boy who is very high energy and devious! It is not easy handling 2 but I am sure it gets better! Good luck momma you are doing a great job! BTW- I think I may need to “Ferber it up” once in a while! 😉
Thank you so much for sharing! I have a 13.5 month old and while there are only a few hours between the time I pick her up from daycare and the ‘witching hour’ (bedtime), I have felt every emotion you described above. Like you, my moments of desperation are trivial compared to others, but they are still worthy feelings to have. Our feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s no matter the situation. Thanks for helping me realize this.
Thank you so much for sharing your comment and to Noob mommy!! I also have the same situation with my 13 month old and can’t help but to feel guilty ALL THE TIME! I finally decided to let him CIO last night and we did not sleep much but this morning I felt like the worst mom ever and started questioning this approach. I do think he needs to CIO but always think “is this the right decision?”… I feel like I’m not making any sense right now. anyway thanks!
I have been there too, most weeks i feel like i am clawing my way to saturday when the hubs will be home and he can tag in and i can just hang out and have a break from the crap. It will get better and even if everyday is a blessing it doesnt mean that some days arent a shit storm of awful! Virtual hugs! have your sulk and nap if you can!!!!!!
Oh don’t worry mama! I sooooo know what you mean!! I have 3 now (yup that’s right 3!) I was with ya on 2 babies and then our Lovely Elena surprised us and lol I swear the house is a mess when all three are crying, arguing, going around in circles (my mother, husband, and I can all but just look at each other with the same face lol)
So I so feel ya but just want to let you know that you are still doing a fabulous day (even on your worst day) 😉
I am THERE with you sister. I have done the ugly cry every day for a few weeks now. And to talk about it with my hubby (or anyone!) makes everything sound so petty. I know I’m incredibly lucky. But for a few moments, I remember my pre-baby self and mourn for her. It sounds so awful to say you want to be away from your children so that nugget of info just gets pressed down to the bottom of my heart and comes out during the ugly cry session. I’m just so relieved to hear that someone else feels that way sometimes. And it’s just that – “sometimes”. It’s not every day. It’s not every week. And this “sorry for myself” feeling does go away. But when my two-year-old dumps out the entire bin of toys on the floor for the eleventh-billionth time and then starts throwing them around the room, I’ve had enough and want to submit my walking papers. Ah. It feels good to admit that.
And then she hugs me and says “I love you mommy” and it makes all of the frustration go away.
Thank you so much for your honesty. Now I know I’m not an awful mom for feeling this way sometimes.
That’s not fair and I’m too tired to do that (even if he just woke up from 12.5 hrs of sleep!) are the common ones my 5 year old uses. Apparently nothing at our house is fair unless involves bribery with ice cream or sour gummies. First time listening? Leaves it at school. Aargh! My two year old is a happy guy who thinks not listening is an hysterical game. Good times! And as for the synchronized shitting – I have a broken shoulder and am functioning one handed and my 2 year old has decided to only poop in the intervals when I am home alone for hours with one hand and no help. I’m guessing the neighbors in our new neighborhood who have said that I should knock/call whenever I need help…not probably what they had in mind. I feel for you is what I am trying to say. We’ve all been there. Find someone to watch them and go get some fresh air…a walk, browse the bookstore, go to Starbucks or something alone!
I totally feel you and I love that you were so honest in your post. Although rationally I can always list my many blessings, I was totally exactly where you are today two weeks ago. It felt like I was never going get through a day where my 3 year old was actually well behaved and happy! And then because I wasn’t enjoying and cherishing Mat leave as much as I thought I should be I got even more annoyed at the whole situation. Anyway, the sun has finally come out here (figuratively and literally!!) and the waters have smoothed. Hope the sun comes your way super soon too 🙂
PS – good idea on the nap, the weights will still be there on Friday