Just when I thought the coast was clear, and I could finally stop neurotically pressing my baby monitor button every 2 minutes…Noob Baby threw down her Miss Unpredictable card again. Similar to many babies, she is not the biggest fan of tummy time. Essentially, it pisses her off to the core. Most of the time, she ends up on her tummy by accident…and she hasn’t quite learned to get herself back on her back. So she’ll be laying there splat on her face like she ate too much pie and just passed out. Of course, I freak out with all my SIDS bells-and-whistles sounding at full alert.
Well, she’s started to do this now while she’s sleeping at night, and of course I am back to checking the monitor incessantly. The first few times, noob hubby and I would rush in and flip pancake over. As a noob parent, there are 4 letters that scroll through your brain like a CNN ticker:
S-I-D-S! Anyway, Noob Baby didn’t approve of us flipping her. Instead, she would protest by just flipping herself back again, face flat in the mattress and probably with a look of defiance underneath there.
So, I called Doc, and she has assured me that there is nothing I can do. If baby has learned to flip over, you gotta just let her be. And of course, make sure noob baby’s crib resembles an Alcatraz prison cell—-cold and barren. Take out snuggly blankets and toys. Well, I did for the most part. I’ve left a few stuffed animals wedged in the back corners where she doesn’t usually migrate to. Moral of the story: Don’t set your baby down on her tummy to sleep, but once she’s able to flip onto her tummy by herself, it’s out of your control.
As a side note, crib bumpers should just be sold from the back of sketchy vans with blacked-out windows. Can’t you just picture a nervous new mother getting blindfolded and taken down to the basement of an abandoned building where she is greeted by masked men. These men are known as SIDS dealers, and they come highly trained from China and remote parts of Russia. There they unveil a steel briefcase, the contents of which are highly illegal government contraband. Nervous noob mom rubs her clammy hands together as SIDS dealer unlocks the steel briefcase. He glances over his shoulder twice and signals to the other dealer to stand watch by the dilapidated door. At last, he reveals the contents of the unmarked briefcase – pastel pink crib bumper with patches of grey elephants, plush buttercream giraffe embroidered with hearts, and a rare handmade quilt stitched by a Jewish grandmother. With a satisfied smile reminiscent of the good-old-days, noob mommy exchanges three large bills for the steel briefcase. Dealer nods and a quick look of sympathy passes across his face briefly. Then the two men disappear as swiftly as they came.