Mommy Is Now Entering Sleep Mode

Hey. Noob Mommy here. Remember me? Gosh, has it really been that long since my last blog post?

I’ve been meaning to write… but then I fell asleep.

I’ve been meaning to write… but then I watched two seasons of Californication. Who knew Fox Mulder (aka David Duchovny) was such a witty little bastard.

I sit down in front of my laptop, load the blog, crack my knuckles, and then… I decide to go lift weights in the garage.

When the kids are finally passed out, it’s almost 9:00! My bedtime is just about 9:00. It seems the more you try to maintain consistency, the harder the citizens fight back!

So, that in a nutshell, is why I’ve been a terrible blogger. But the good news is, when you are a shell-of-a-parent writing a blog for other sleep-deprived parents… they understand that shit. Amen?

I know many of the parents who stumble onto my blog have newborns. Congrats!! You are the shells of your former well-rested self. Take solace in the fact that it will get better. Then it gets worse. And kinda more worse. Then you just get used to it. The End.

The upside is we can all just kick it here and empathize the hell out of each other. At some point I’m gonna get back to the parenting tips… but for now… I hope you’ll be ok with just a lot of “Hell Ya Sista.”

Summer Break

Awesome for sleeping in. (Sleeping in = 7 am).

Not awesome for Mommy time.

During the school year, I used to run around naked and pour vodka all over myself while NB2.0 took her two hour nap. I’d shoot Cheese Puffs out of a Nerf gun and dress up my cat, yell at Verizon, brush up on my Yiddish on Duolingo, and then run the washer and forget about the laundry. It was glorious. For two hours, the world was my oyster.

I realize now that one of the hardest things about being a stay-at-home parent is having almost no alone time. No truly independent, selfish time; time to just poop alone or sit in the car with your game-face, thousand-mile stare in complete creeper silence. I realize now that for me, especially, as a self-proclaimed introvert, time during the middle of the day to decompress is absolutely critical for my mental and emotional well-being. And if you have a daughter like mine who talks and talks and talks and needs acknowledgement for every comment, then you pretty much REQUIRE time during the day to go into Standby/Sleep Mode.

Noob Baby: Elsa has ice powers.

Me: I know.

NB: I, too, have ice powers.

Me: Really? Tell me about that.

NB: Well, I can’t because it’s a secret.

Me: Ok then.

NB: Goo boo ga ga maga

Me: Uh huh.

NB: I love you.

Me: I love you, too.

NB: Butt.

Me: Yep.

NB: Elsa butt.

Me: Mmm hmm..

{EYES GLAZE OVER}

One hour later…

NB: And Anna’s voice just isn’t as pretty as Elsa’s.

{MOMMY SYSTEMS NOW ENTERING SLEEP MODE. EYES GO DARK}

NB: Mom. Momma. Mommy. Mother. Mom. Moooomy. Mum. Mummy. Mumalicious. Mommy. Mom… Do you think fairies are real?

At some point, I might get stuck in Sleep Mode. My kids’ll be shaking me, jiggling my mouse and peeling my eyes open. Remember when that used to happen to your computer??

Part of me is going to be sad about school starting… and the other 100% part of me is going to be pretty ecstatic to be dancing around in my hammer pants (or naked) and shooting Cheese Puffs at my cat. Or with my cat. Or getting Noob Kitty to hurry up and do the Ice Bucket Challenge already!

Do you get any Standby or Sleep Mode during the day? What do you do with those precious few minutes? What would you rather be doing instead?