Beautiful Ponderings on Pregnancy

• You’ve heard that saying before… Out of sight, out of mind. Well, nothing is more true when it comes to pregnancy. I was in the shower the other day when it dawned on me that I couldn’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. And it’s because everything below my monstrously large belly right now is completely “out of sight.” Needless to say I was quite intrigued at what kind of “SITUATION” was happening on the leg front. When I finally managed to hoist my leg up precariously on the side of the shower, I was amazed! I expected this:

Photo courtesy of Studly Legs

 But what I saw was something like this:

I wish these were my legs.

I guess hair really does grow slower when you’re pregnant! Awesome. For the record, had I discovered my situation was the former of the photos, I still wouldn’t have shaved. Too far, you know? Not enough return for the investment.

• At some point during pregnancy your belly gets so gigantic that your belly button POPS. Your innie becomes an outie. And if you already had an outie… well … I have no idea what happens. The universe falls into a black hole? All’s I know is my belly button sure as hell popped. In fact, I’d like to make an observation. Using the soundest medical judgment I have with all the 0 years of med school under my belt, I would say that I now have what appears to be a third nipple. It’s fascinating really. I’m hoping that my third nipple acts sort of like a third eye and brings some balance to my life.

• The thing I love about ultrasound photos is that they’re like a Rorschach test. Everyone sees something completely different. Or, they’re like those 3D photographs that you have to cross your eyes to see the 3D image. Remember those? The thing is, some people can see the baby and others just totally BS you, which I find amusing.

They’re like, “Yeah….. Yeah! There’s her eyes. There’s her nose. How a-dor-able! “

And I’m like, “Yeahhh….no. That’s her vajay. See… hot dog.” At least that’s what the ultrasound technician called it. A hot dog.

Ok, so here’s the thing. The ultrasound photo is on my fridge. I’m not passing it around like it’s my wedding photo. It’s only up there so I have some peace of mind that there is a human inside me and I’m not just getting enormously fat. In other words, I’m not fishing for baby compliments here. So when you start trying to dish out the compliments by saying my fetus’ 15 week ultrasound photo looks exactly like me… it actually enrages me. A tad Incredibly. Hey, my baby-fetus at 15 weeks looks exactly like Smeagol from The Lord of the Rings! Hell, I’ll admit to that. In my opinion, most ultrasound photos look exactly the same. Gigantor head. Jelly bean body. Smeagol. No need for gratuitous “compliments.”

• I heard that if you go to the Cheesecake Factory while you’re pregnant and order just an appetizer salad and pass on the cheesecake… the Catholic Church grants you immediate sainthood. So from this day forth, this site shall be renamed www.saintnoobmommy.com. Still waiting to hear from the church…

• Pregnancy heartburn? Check. The 24-7 kind where you constantly have vomit-burp syndrome. Check. At any time of the day, you’ll find my face in a grimace-gag-puckered-repulsed-flared-nostril state. Can someone please resend me that memo … you know the one that says, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stop eating pizza, Chicken Tikka Masala and Korean BBQ!” Thank you.

• I’ve downloaded a few pregnancy apps on my phone to monitor the baby’s weekly progress. All three of these apps compare the developing fetus to the size of a fruit or vegetable each week. At first it was like … your baby is the size of  a blueberry. Your baby is the size of a lime. Your baby is the size of a head of cauliflower. Well after awhile, Noob Daddy and I were getting kinda irritated with all the lame salad bar metaphors. Next week? An ear of corn. Scrumptious. How about someone create a pregnancy app that entertains me instead of making me want to eat my baby?

Next week your baby will be the size of a durian. WTF?!

Week 25: Your baby will be the size of a pygmy marmoset. Oh crap! What the hell is that?!

Next week your baby will be the size of a rambutan. Rambu-wha?!

Week 18: Your baby is now the size of my middle finger, sucka! Excuse me??

Week 37: Your baby is now the size of a shoe. What kind of shoe? Who cares? It’s totally subjective. Just like an apple could be a rotten apple, a Fuji apple, or a crabapple.

I think that’ll be my new pregnancy app – the Whaddup, Preggie! app where you learn about totally irrelevant things each week. What’s a baby aye-aye? Check week 29.

• I’ve been tempted to use my maternity bra as a large slingshot in my backyard. It’s about the right size… I could probably tie each end to a tree and launch our trashbags at the neighbors. It’s that big. Just to give you an idea of what I had in mind:

• I was in a maternity store awhile ago and I saw that they were selling maternity thongs. I wasn’t sure if I should:

1. Applaud the effort of this fantastical pregnant superhero that would be wearing these wretched things.
2. Rake my eyes out from the conjured imaged that was seared into my brain.

In the end, I shrugged and bought some more backyard slingshots.

This post brought to you by the crazy pregnant lady who eats Girl Scouts Girl Scout Cookies for breakfast.