Is there a full moon tonight, because Noob Baby is acting rabid again. Frothing at the mouth, crazed, inconsolable.

Vicious? Absolutely.

Ahh, but of course, those are the indicators that my darling little noob is teething. Again. Remember how last time I likened the teething process to Jaws? Well, I’d like to revise that analogy. I believe that babies, when teething, are so much more Cujo than Jaws.

Ok, but one can’t go throwing out brash statements like that without some sound research. So, of course I searched through my vast collection of medical literature I Googled.

Here are SOME of the symptoms of rabies courtesy of Animal Health Channel.
(Yes, I’m going to leave out all the symptoms that don’t support my argument. Yes, my study is biased. Nah nah nah…. I can’t hear you….):

• Change in tone of dog’s bark (baby’s angelic cooing replaced with high-pitched fuss fest)
• Chewing at the bite site
• Fever
• Loss of appetite
• Subtle changes in behavior
• Craving to eat anything, including inedible objects
• Constant growling and barking
• Erratic behavior
• Episodes of aggression
• Anxiety and hyperalertness
• Irritability
• No fear of natural enemies (baby’s parents)
• Restlessness

I’ll leave out all the morbid symptoms, because that’s just depressing, and I’m running a happy joint here. Now, you have to agree that those signs sound exactly like teething. Chewing, fever, loss of appetite, inedible objects, irritability, restlessness, etc… the list goes on but those other symptoms don’t necessarily support my case, which is why I just say “etc.” FYI: This tactic also works particularly well in conversations about politics.

So, as you can see… teething noobs are totally like Cujos. Except much cuter. And smaller. And they have way less fur. And they’re not dogs, they’re babies. Human babies (not puppies).

The End.

1) TEETHING : NOOBS ::

a) babies : Octomom
b) smolder : Rob Pattinson
c) rabies: animals
d) decrepit: John McCain

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