Thank You Angels of the Academy

Thank you Lord for placing two angels at the Academy Awards last night.

To the angel that seated Robert Pattinson behind Mickey Rourke – you are my hero.

And to the angel working the magnificent camera angle, you know the one where RP is glowing like an Adonis just diagonally behind MR during the entire Best Actor shpeel – I’ve arranged for Anthony Dod Mantle to give you his Best Cinematography award. He agreed it was a worthy sacrifice.

If you missed the Academy Awards last night, don’t fret. Noob Mommy always takes care of you. I have the best 1:04 minutes right here. I found the clip on this blog and then on YouTube. If you are a Rob Pattinson/Edward Cullen fan, I’d give the kids a handful of Snickers and send them on their merry way. And if you’re at work, well, this may be considered porn. Now brace yourself.

Two words: tunnel vision. It’s like no one else exists in that segment except for RP. The world melts away. The sound of your husband asking, “Hey, hey…who’s Mickey Rourke? What award are they presenting? Hello?” melts away. The frightening visage of Mickey Rourke’s receding comb-over dissolves ethereally into the background.

All that’s left is Smolder (yes it’s a noun in this instance).
All you feel is Smolder.
You are being smoldered by Robert Pattinson (in character of Edward Cullen) and you may not even realize it until you feel the beads of sweat dripping down over your brow.

You have now entered Smoldertown.

I haven’t been so entranced since I last saw Twilight. I clutched the deflated couch pillows in my white-knuckled fists, while my breathing quickened with his every smolder.

I have to give RP some due credit. It must be exhausting to keep up the smolder for so long. Notice, he does try to mix it up a little. He throws in some angst here and there.

Of course, when Ben Kingsleys giving his tribute speech, all I hear is the Charlie Brown teacher voice… muaa muaaa mua mua… in the background. I was like, Man this movie needs a better soundtrack. We need to dub in Bella’s Lullaby right here. Oh, wait. This isn’t a movie. It’s the Oscars. Lame.

Thank goodness I wasn’t allowed to attend the Oscars. Because this right here, would not have been very slick.

I’m just gonna throw this out there, but, I think had I been staring at RP for 3 hours straight without blinking, he might have been *a wee bit* uncomfortable. Course, I might have tried to lick his face… and THAT would probably be considered rude.

Does sniffing count as sexual assault? Oh it does? Well, don’t worry… it’s not like I would ever sniff RP if I was sitting next to him. How crass. Maybe just inhale deeply. Thrice.

Alright… time to bring this debauchery to an end. It’s starting to make me feel borderline inappropriate 🙂