Potty Training Boot Camp Update

The Poop Song

sung to the tune of “Frère Jacques”

Time to poop (poo-oop)

Time to poop

Get it out!

Get it out!

Squeeze your tummy

Squeeze your tummy

Goodbye poop!

Goodbye poop!

This is what my life has resorted to. Making up songs about poop (which is actually a pretty crappy song). Sigh.

Let me back up a little. Potty Boot Camp has been going very well thankfully. Much better than anticipated. We’ve been continuing with visiting the potty every hour or so to prevent any accidents, and in between, I do a lot of checking in to make sure Noob Baby doesn’t have to go. One things for sure, one (or two) of us is coming out of this potty training a total urinary neurotic.

Noob Baby insists on me going pee everytime she has to go. This is how it plays out:

NB:  Mommy pee too?

Me: No, thank you. Mommy’s ok.

NB:  MOMMY pee too! (notice the change in punctuation and capitalization to indicate inflection? Yes, some call me a writeur.)

Me: Um, well shit. I guess I do have to go now. Now that you mention it. Sweet. This is like the 4th time I’ve gone today and it’s only 11:30 am.

NB:  Mommy, are we urinary neurotics?

Me:  Hmm…. yes, yes we are. You are a genius. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

So, when the time comes to potty booty camp, be prepared to set an example. A LOT. As well as make up ridiculously juvenile songs to facilitate BMs. Obviously you know that once you become a parent, you sign away your rights to dignity, self-preservation, shame, yada yada.

Oh, I should mention that we also ended up adding another cast member to potty training. This one definitely garners my highest praise:

Bjorn Toilet Trainer

This seat is easily adjustable for your toilet seat, and it can be transported/removed and hung up so that it isn’t a total eyesore. We attached a suction hook to our toilet and it hangs very nicely when not in use. I prefer this seat over the mini potties because you don’t have to deal with a messy cleanup, and it gets your noob used to sitting on a big throne.

Now, the biggest roadblock we’ve had so far has been #2. It scares the beejesus out of her. She actually tries to hold it in to the point where she’s rolling on the ground with her legs crossed … SCREAMING. Didn’t expect that one. Hence, the birth of the Poop Song. So every day or two, we have to exorcise the poop out of her Linda Blair style. Heads are spinning. NB levitates off the toilet and starts speaking in this creepy little man voice. Then, voilà! Life goes back to normal.

I already expected this whole process to be sort of a production– lots of ridiculous, over-the-top praise. NB, you are a goddess that rules the throne which trembles beneath you! Some rewards – You can have all the lollipops and gumdrops mommy can buy you! Teeth are overrated. And cheering – Lots and lots of live studio audience/Hollywood style applause.

But what I didn’t expect was for this all to backfire on me. Now when we’re out in a public restroom, I have my own 2 1/2 ft. tall traveling commentator and cheerleader. I’m sitting in my stall minding my own business, but alas, all the other women get to experience this gem:

NB: “Mommys going poop! (I’m not, but unfortunately she can’t tell the difference. Or maybe she can, but she’s already figured out the art of embarrassment).

Me: No … (nervous laughter)… Mommy’s going pee. (FYI, defending myself in this situation sounds so ridiculous. I might as well sound like a chipmunk).

NB: Mommy go big poop. B-I-G!

Me: (clearing throat loudly)

*Toilet flushes and even it gives me a sympathetic look*

NB: Yayyyy!! Good job Mommy! Good job!

*Intense, enthusiastic applause bursts forth from my stall*

I’d like to say that I made that up.  Unfortunately, nein. I also wish I could say that I don’t embarrass easily, in which case I come charging out of the stall to a round of high fives and chest bumps with Eye of the Tiger blasting in the background. But instead, I wait till the rest of the restroom has cleared out before we make our stealthy exit.

Any guests that come over now receive the warning that NB will be waiting outside the restroom as their dutiful cheerleader/commentator. Hey, you’re all invited!