Potty Training Boot Camp – Day 1

At long last we have arrived at this milestone.

The P-word(s).

The Pee and the Poop and the Potty.

It’s been a few months since Noob Baby’s 2nd birthday, and since then… Noob Daddy has been whispering aka taunting me incessantly with the P-word. In my gut, I’m like 98% sure she’s ready to ditch the diapers. I think she’s been ready for awhile. For the last few months, she’s been using the little potty before her bath time pretty consistently. She wakes up fairly dry from her naps and after a long night’s sleep.

But, am I ready? That’s the real question.

Call me lazy. When I’m out running errands or sitting through traffic … it feels damn good to not have to worry about potty breaks, pit stops, puddles of piddle, etc. I am a slacker. Guilty as charged.

Now that I have the husband breathing down my neck and giving me a guilt trip … I am somewhat motivated.

The real push was when we showed up at a Mommy & Me Preschool class last week, and “we” were the only ones still in diapers. Em-barr-ass-ing! Nothing like a little mommy competition to push you over the edge.

Alright, so here’s how Day 1 played out.

Cast of Characters

Noob Baby

The enthusiastic test subject

Gerber Training Pants

(These are soft, cloth undies with some extra padding for accidents. Pretty absorbent, but still allow the noob to feel when she’s had an accident.)

Baby Bjorn Potty Seat

A princess deserves a pink throne, right?

Potette Plus

A 2-in-1 Travel Potty

Morning-ish:

• Decided it would be motivating to start the day by giving a Sayonara Diapers speech to the new recruit at Potty Boot Camp. (Note to self: Next time use The Potty Book instead of wasting 2 hours writing speech that toddler can’t understand).
• We proceeded to throw all her super expensive organic diapers into a glorious 3 foot heap in the backyard for Celebratory Bonfire.
• Maybe I can recycle the ashes to reduce our carbon footprint?
• Turns out it’s against City fire code to burn refuse in backyard.
• Neighbors give me dirty looks.
• Note to self: Do not attend Association meeting this month.
• Flirting with fireman in hopes of waiving fire citation – FAIL.
• On the upside… Pee – 1 ; Poo – 0
• Made my baby completely neurotic and possibly have now inflicted future adult urinary trauma by forcing her to sit on the potty every hour despite screams in protest.
• Pee – 2 ; Poo – 0

Afternoon-ish:

• Remembered to put noob on potty after every mealtime.
• Pee – 3; Poo – 0
• Noob Mommy Pee – 5. Turns out coaxing someone to pee every hour is extremely effective on yourself.
• Starting to get stir crazy and have concocted plan to go out with her Potette (portable potty).
• Public potty trauma inflicted. Automatic flushing toilets, loud gossipy women with shrill laughter, and raging bathroom techno music = potty regression?
• After trolling the mall, discovered Bloomingdales had the most “conducive” single-stall family restroom. The mood is set.
• Potette in position. Check. Noob Baby in play. Check. NB projectile peed down my leg. Umm… thank God I’m wearing shorts?
• Remind myself to shoot myself for leaving the house on Day 1 of Potty Boot Camp.

Nighttime-ish:

• Pee -4; Poo -0.
• NB is showing signs of upcoming poo.
• It’s Go-Time.
• NB goes into poo labor. Her eyeballs do that “Aaa-ooo-gaa!!” thing when she sees the critter she has just delivered. NB goes into post-traumatic shock.
• Final Score = Pee -5; Poo -1; Accidents – 0!!
• We celebrate the end of Day 1 Potty Training with lots and lots and lots of  lavish praise, handshaking, backslapping, high-fives, knuckles, chest-bumping, and finally … sleep.
• There are no M&M rewards here at Potty Boot Camp.

HOOAH!