I was thinking, perhaps Jaws here has been given a bad rap over the years. The signs and symptoms to an untrained parental eye would seem villainous, predatory, and downright frightening – gnawing on legs, biting boats and using ship parts as gum soothers.

But consider this: fussiness, irritability, drooling, chewing on everything in sight…

I’m just going to play devil’s advocate and argue that Jaws was just teething. I mean, sharks have 5-15 rows of teeth. Their teeth normally last about a week, and take 24 hours to replace. Isn’t that amazing? Sharks are constantly teething. Somebody give the poor guy a Zwieback biscuit.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve noticed Noob Baby showing Jaws behavior within the last week or so. I suspect she’s teething again, but she won’t let me in there to scope out the sitch.

So, here’s a post about teething and some things you can do to provide your little noob some relief while she snarls at you and sucks the bejeezus out of the cat’s tail.

• Throw a teething toy at her and run. Try a teething pacifier, or this blanket wipes up drool and has different textured corners. Remember that teething toys should go in the fridge and not the freezer… contrary to what your parents might have done back in the day.

• Put a cold washcloth in the fridge and let her suck on it.

• If your noob is capable of basic “chewing” or eating lumpier solids, you can try a teething biscuit. Always supervise carefully in case the biscuit crumbles.

• Try a fresh food feeder with some cold/frozen fruit, veggies, or ice cubes. A tasty cool treat that even keeps her entertained.

• For teething pain, Infant Tylenol (Acetaminophen) or Baby Orajel can be given if ok’d by your doc.

• I’ve never tried Teething Tablets, but this is a nice homeopathic alternative.

• Lastly, let her chew on an old slipper. This also works great for puppies

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Is there a full moon tonight, because Noob Baby is acting rabid again. Frothing at the mouth, crazed, inconsolable.

Vicious? Absolutely.

Ahh, but of course, those are the indicators that my darling little noob is teething. Again. Remember how last time I likened the teething process to Jaws? Well, I’d like to revise that analogy. I believe that babies, when teething, are so much more Cujo than Jaws.

Ok, but one can’t go throwing out brash statements like that without some sound research. So, of course I searched through my vast collection of medical literature I Googled.

Here are SOME of the symptoms of rabies courtesy of Animal Health Channel.
(Yes, I’m going to leave out all the symptoms that don’t support my argument. Yes, my study is biased. Nah nah nah…. I can’t hear you….):

• Change in tone of dog’s bark (baby’s angelic cooing replaced with high-pitched fuss fest)
• Chewing at the bite site
• Fever
• Loss of appetite
• Subtle changes in behavior
• Craving to eat anything, including inedible objects
• Constant growling and barking
• Erratic behavior
• Episodes of aggression
• Anxiety and hyperalertness
• Irritability
• No fear of natural enemies (baby’s parents)
• Restlessness

I’ll leave out all the morbid symptoms, because that’s just depressing, and I’m running a happy joint here. Now, you have to agree that those signs sound exactly like teething. Chewing, fever, loss of appetite, inedible objects, irritability, restlessness, etc… the list goes on but those other symptoms don’t necessarily support my case, which is why I just say “etc.” FYI: This tactic also works particularly well in conversations about politics.

So, as you can see… teething noobs are totally like Cujos. Except much cuter. And smaller. And they have way less fur. And they’re not dogs, they’re babies. Human babies (not puppies).

The End.

1) TEETHING : NOOBS ::

a) babies : Octomom
b) smolder : Rob Pattinson
c) rabies: animals
d) decrepit: John McCain

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