You know you’re a noob parent when you can’t remember any daily events anymore except for baby milestones. I cannot for the life of me remember what I cooked for dinner last night or what “wild” adventure we had last weekend. But I’ll never forget the week I spent with my stomach in knots as we sleep-trained Noob Baby. And I’m still mentally GPSing every public restroom at all my fav “hot spots” (i.e. Target, Costco, Nordstroms, Macys, the library) because of our most recent potty training hurdle milestone victory.

Now I just use these milestones as a point of reference for remembering other things in my life.

When was So and So’s wedding?

Oh yeah, around the time Noob Baby started eating solids.

Well since we’ve just recently passed another milestone, I now have one more memory marker for the blur that makes up my life nowadays. I won’t deny it. This milestone left a few of us (those named Noob Mommy) with some PTSD.

[Drumroll] … Noob Baby gave up her Binky (or in normal human speak – “pacifier”).

Noob Daddy and I had been talking about it casually since her last dentist visit six months ago. But since El Dentisto passed her with flying colors, I was secretly relieved that we could keep Binky around for a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit longer to save us all some mental anguish.

Basically, I was like… It ain’t over till the Macked Grill singz…

… and fast forward to a couple weeks ago… sure enough … the Macked Grill sang.

Or rather, the dentist started speaking Dentese (that’s linguistics for denstist talk) to me …. mwa mwa mwa cross bite mwa mwa …. macked up grill … mwa mwa mwa… no more Binkys mwa mwa… your life is about to become hell Noob Mommy… mwa mwa. [End Dentese]

I vomited a little in my mouth.

Now don’t get me wrong, Noob Baby isn’t one of those kids that walks around with her binky 24/7. She only uses at naptime and bedtime. But a crackhead is a crackhead, right? OH NO SHE DIDN’T!!

Let me just interrupt myself by mentioning that there are much more dare-I-say “humane” ways to ditch this addiction besides cold turkey. But again, you are reading Noob Mommy blog, where the new, more apropos motto is “Where hindsight is 20/20.”

Obviously, we ended up in the Cold Turkey scenario.

So here are a couple “HRW (Human Rights Watch) Approved Binky Addiction Breaking Techniques” for parents who think cold turkey is cruel and unusual punishment:

1) You can cut a little hole in the pacifier so that that the air is released from the “bink” (I totally made that up to avoid calling it a nipple) thereby making it less desirable. Every other day or so, enlarge the hole till your noob willfully decides the Patch is weak sauce and gives up smoking binking on her own accord.

2) If you’re into dramatics, some parents like to gather up the binkies and bring them to the toy store where Noob gets to trade them in for a new toy. Tip the sales person a fitty and maybe he’ll throw some confetti and release balloons.

3) Binky Fairy. Similar to the tooth fairy, leaving behind a wonderful toy.

4) If you’re into melodramatics, gather up the binkies in a box and bury them in the backyard. Some parents like to say a few words and share some happy memories.

5) I totally made up #4 and it actually gives me the heebs.

In all seriousness though, going cold turkey isn’t the end of the world. Noob Baby was a total champ. She rationalized the whole process like an adult, which shocked-slash-weirded-me-out. She would tell us, “Dentist said no binky,” as she struggled to fall asleep for the first few days. I could hear her on the baby monitor reminding herself out loud as she feel asleep. Me? I about killed myself. Her? Fine the next morning.

Like I said, I was left with more PTSD than Noob Baby.

The one MAJOR EPIC downside of this whole thing is that she has pretty much stopped napping since then. Can you believe it? I think it’s a travesty GLOBAL CRISIS and obviously any full-time stay-at-home parent will tell you, NAPS ARE FREAKIN SACRED.

Well, you win some and you lose some. If you’re getting ready to ditch the binky, I wish you the best of luck! Here’s to another successful milestone met. Check.

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