Fact: Target Corporation COULD NOT survive without women.

Fact: Target is pure evil.

Another fact: You cannot walk into Target and leave with only the items you went in for. Don’t even be so delusional as to DREAM about it!

Target is a pure evil money-sucking genius. And hence, I wish I had invented Target (if a store could be invented).

That bullseye should be aimed directly at my forehead. Or my purse. Or my soul. Whatever.

I cannot name a single woman who can walk into a Target and leave only with the items she intended to purchase. No offense ladies. I will proudly raise my hand as one of these doe-eyed victims. Doesn’t matter what your income is, your intelligence, education, career, bust-size, weight, how white your teeth are, dating status, or age. Target does not discriminate (against women).

But it seems this phenomenon doesn’t affect men as it does women. Case in point: Noob Daddy. He can walk into Target, veer dangerously off course for a split second (usually towards that Entertainment/Media section), but somehow snap back to reality and head straight for the check-out. At which point he calls me on my cell, and I wander up sheepishly carrying “a couple” extra items (clearance Peeps from Easter, lint roller, deck of cards).

Now if you disagree with me, feel free to leave a comment. I could use some more test subjects. Or a financial hero for that matter.

So, I usually walk in with a pretty standard list, it may sound quite similar to yours:

• Soap
• Detergent
• Diapers
• Baby wipes
• Cereal
• Kitty litter
• Floss
• Toothpaste
• Ziploc bags
• Air fresheners

Sometimes there are a couple wild cards mixed in there that I am wary of… they’ll probably send me to parts of the store that I shouldn’t be visiting.

• Fun book for summer reading
• New toy for Noob
• Makeup (keep it vague)

But really most of the time I walk in with your average grocery list and I end up walking out of the store like a bruised boxer. Have you seen the movie The Wrestler? Yeah… like him. All washed out, old-battle scars, feeling totally jaded and used. Looking 15 years older than I really am. Just angry at the world.

I come out carrying these things:

• 2 new toys for Noob
• 1 sports bra
• pajamas
• pomegranate-scented candles
• cactus
• 11 miscellaneous kitsch items from the Dollar section
• Top Gun from the discounted DVD end-cap (because I’ve convinced myself it’s an oldie but goodie)
• new knife
• closet organizers
• Nature Sounds CD for meditating
• New Bestseller: How to Meditate

I bring this up because Noob Daddy and I were going over our expenses last night. And he’s like… “Whoooaaaa… what are we spending one-meelliooon dollars on at Target?!”

And I’m like “Whoooaaa…. one-meeellliiion? Really?? You don’t say.”
*haha-nervous-laugh-slowly-heading-to-the-kitchen-to-go-alphabetize-the-pantry*

And seriously, I have no clue. But it was probably some really cool stuff. Like super cool.

Target. You are a black hole. A black hole where innocent mothers and sisters and Nanas get sucked in and spit out like it’s nobody’s business. And we keep going back for more. You’ve turned everyday household wares into pure, 100% unadulterated crack.

I applaud you Target. Genius.

Tweet