Remember how we sleep trained Noob… once upon a time?

Well, it took about 5 months, but I guess she finally caught on to our presumptuous little scheme.

About a week ago, the light bulb came on in her big bobbly head. It was an ordinary evening. There weren’t any indicators that the shit was about to hit the fan.

But just as I was putting her to bed, Noob Baby turned to me with this look. She stood up on her trunky legs and gripped the crib rails with way too much conviction. I feared what she had to say. I kid you not, these were Noob Baby’s exact words from a highly slightly dramatized eyewitness account:

Noob: “I see what you’ve done, Mother. You’ve pulled the wool over my eyes. Oh, Ferber! You will rue the day! I will resist this! This Noob is no pacifist. Fie you lemming.”

(patooey … the sound of her spitting her pacifier on the ground)

And she pounded her chest with a final decree, “Viva la resistance!!”

As you can imagine, I was quite speechless. I whimpered out of the nursery and hoped it was all a bad dream. Well, no such luck. The next night… I was on a different planet.

Sleep training. Ferber. Two weeks of tears and cheap booze. Gone. Finished. Finito!!

So, here I am now. Telling you my SOB story. I am finally admitting to you what I’ve been living with/in for the last week.

Noob Baby (or rather “Il Noob Bebe” as she has hailed herself) has made it clear that her new bedtime is at 9:00 pm. And she has other demands. These are just a few that I found nailed to her nursery door (I have left the punctuation and use of all-caps in tact to preserve the nature of the message):

• Laying is for the WEAK! Only standing will be permitted in the crib. AT ALL TIMES!
• Addendum to above: In some circumstances where it is a NECESSARY EVIL, sitting in the crib will be permitted, for up to 5 minutes maximum.
• “BINKIES” are a sign of weakness, and therefore, are expected to be discarded from the crib.
• Addendum to above: In some circumstances (see first addendum) binkies may be permissable.
• Jumping in bed = Cool
• Sleeping in bed = Not Cool
• Bedtime begins when I sez so. Probs around 9 ish.

Call me crazy, but I couldn’t just go down without a fight. So, I’ve been scouring the internet. High and low. I Googled: “What has taken over my baby???”

And this is the closest answer I’ve found. Two words…

Sleep Regression.

Can it be true? Will all of this madness pass someday? This diabolical baby regime! We, the frightened populace, beg you… dear, compassionate blog reader… send some advice.

Just help a mutha out.

Send comments in an unmarked attache. Drop off at the old clock tower. Dusk.
Or, send comments by way of message in a bottle. Sending out an S.O.S.
Or, you know, just leave me a comment below. Keep it old skool.

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