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Nap Town – Solicitors Will Be Asked to Shut the Hell Up

Nov
3
2008
2 Comments

The one thing more important than Noob Baby sleeping through the night, is NB sleeping through the nap! Or, so I’m told by all these infant sleep experts I’ve read. Nap is the Holy Grail. Nap is more valuable than your life or mine. In fact, Nap in its purest form, can only be traded for unicorn horn dust.

So, I ask… when it’s either 9ish, 12:30ish, or 4-5ish, please kindly turn off your cellphones, put your car in neutral, disassemble your leaf blower, and just overall…shut the hell up. Thank you.

Why this demanding negativity you might ask, Noob Mommy? Well, because today is apparently Monday – the day Random Guy shows up with his loud clanking rusty ladder and slams it against the nursery window. Yes, and you guessed it, the clock read 9ish… the exact moment in which I was on lap 37 of rocking NB to sleep. Appppparrreeennttly, we needed our window planter boxes repainted TODAY.

I *heart* our HOA.

Unfortunately though, he refused to clean out the black widow nests in the planter boxes while he was up there. The nerve……

I wonder why they can’t just leave a friendly note before they do these random things to our condo. Well, you might be thinking I’m overreacting right? What a nice fellow to stop by and paint for us.

That is true. However, I will ask the jury to please consider Exhibit B:

Random Concrete Driller Guy. RCDG showed up about 3 weeks ago and decided to drill up the nice, innocent, minding-its-own-business sidewalk in front of our front door, which in our tiny condo, is quite near our nursery. I shall ask the jury to also consider that the time was 9ish AND 12:30ish… two NAP TIMES!

Appppparrreeennttly, the sidewalk was a tripping hazard and needed to be redone. Oh, I must have overlooked that considerate heads-up note warning me of EXTREMELY LOUD DRILLING FOR SEVERAL HOURS OF THE DAY RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR, SUCKA!

Ok, ok…I’m being too anal. But would you consider the next exhibit…anal as well?
Exhibit C: Mass high-school Fight Club riot outside (yes, you guessed it) my FRONT DOOR. On this Friday night, our lovely Emo high school neighbor kid must have pissed off the T-Birds at Rydell High, because just after NB had gone to bed for the night, our front driveway-ish was the new Hollywood backlot for Fight Club 2: High School Musical Rumble in the Burbs. Participants? Oh…maybe 20 ish. And, yes, the Pink Ladies were there as well to cheer them on.

Let me just say that I do not live in the ghetto by any means. So… Unexpected? Yes. Pissed Off? Double Yes.

Now, these have just been a few of the Nap Town Guest Stars as of late. And here are the recurring cast of characters (you know the ones that make the opening credits):

Trash Guy
Street Sweeper Guy
Neighbor’s Trash Can Cleaner Guy
Angry 3:30 am Newspaper Guy
Leafblower Guy
Hedgetrimmer Guy
Hedgetrimming Picker Upper Guy
Emo Kid

I hope by now, my case has been made and the jury finds the verdict in my favor. So, please kindly shut the heck up when passing through Nap Town. Thank you.

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2 Comments Filed Under: Naps, Sleep
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Red Alert – Baby Sleeping on Tummy!

Oct
20
2008
3 Comments

Just when I thought the coast was clear, and I could finally stop neurotically pressing my baby monitor button every 2 minutes…Noob Baby threw down her Miss Unpredictable card again. Similar to many babies, she is not the biggest fan of tummy time. Essentially, it pisses her off to the core. Most of the time, she ends up on her tummy by accident…and she hasn’t quite learned to get herself back on her back. So she’ll be laying there splat on her face like she ate too much pie and just passed out. Of course, I freak out with all my SIDS bells-and-whistles sounding at full alert.

Well, she’s started to do this now while she’s sleeping at night, and of course I am back to checking the monitor incessantly. The first few times, noob hubby and I would rush in and flip pancake over. As a noob parent, there are 4 letters that scroll through your brain like a CNN ticker:
S-I-D-S! Anyway, Noob Baby didn’t approve of us flipping her. Instead, she would protest by just flipping herself back again, face flat in the mattress and probably with a look of defiance underneath there.
So, I called Doc, and she has assured me that there is nothing I can do. If baby has learned to flip over, you gotta just let her be. And of course, make sure noob baby’s crib resembles an Alcatraz prison cell—-cold and barren. Take out snuggly blankets and toys. Well, I did for the most part. I’ve left a few stuffed animals wedged in the back corners where she doesn’t usually migrate to. Moral of the story: Don’t set your baby down on her tummy to sleep, but once she’s able to flip onto her tummy by herself, it’s out of your control.
As a side note, crib bumpers should just be sold from the back of sketchy vans with blacked-out windows. Can’t you just picture a nervous new mother getting blindfolded and taken down to the basement of an abandoned building where she is greeted by masked men. These men are known as SIDS dealers, and they come highly trained from China and remote parts of Russia. There they unveil a steel briefcase, the contents of which are highly illegal government contraband. Nervous noob mom rubs her clammy hands together as SIDS dealer unlocks the steel briefcase. He glances over his shoulder twice and signals to the other dealer to stand watch by the dilapidated door. At last, he reveals the contents of the unmarked briefcase – pastel pink crib bumper with patches of grey elephants, plush buttercream giraffe embroidered with hearts, and a rare handmade quilt stitched by a Jewish grandmother. With a satisfied smile reminiscent of the good-old-days, noob mommy exchanges three large bills for the steel briefcase. Dealer nods and a quick look of sympathy passes across his face briefly. Then the two men disappear as swiftly as they came.

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3 Comments Filed Under: Sleep
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