I will admit. I get a little road rage on occasion.

Well, let me clarify. I’m not one of those crazy maniacs who’ll cut you off or swerve in and out of lanes recklessly. I’m not a middle finger kind of person either. I’m no Cruella De Vil.

I do respect the horn though. Horn usage is wayyyyyy under utilized. For instance, Noob Daddy doesn’t like to use the horn. He prefers the dirty WTF??? Glare. In my opinion, the Glare doesn’t really get the message across sometimes. And usually the drivers meriting the Glare or other forms of “justifiable road rage” tend to avoid eye contact. Right? So the Glare isn’t a sure thing.

Like, you can’t say: WTF?!@!-you-crazy-old person-you-almost-killed-me-and-my-precious-baby-and-I’m-totally-freakin-late-to-Costco-now-thankyouverymuch.

Or: WTF?!@!-you’re-taking-up-two-lanes-just-to-make-your-right turn-dummmmyyy!!

But lately I’ve been thinking that a horn is just not specific enough either. Then it dawned on me. Instead of a Nissan, I need a Mario Kart.

Have you played Mario Kart before? God, love that game. Mario Kart is a driving/racing game where you can pick up items to shoot at your opponent.

So here’s the real-life scenario: I’m driving and I encounter a really slowwwwww driver who is just making life miserable for everyone around him, and there’s no way to go around. Sound familiar? Problem solved – I’ve got a green turtle shell ready to go.

Green shell takes out driver. Keep in mind, you have to be close enough to get a straight shot.

Scenario: You see a jerky road rager (not the amiable-but-direct type like me) who is tailgating and cutting people off. Problem solved – Leave the d-bag a souvenir … in the form of a banana peel. His inconvenient spinout will be a reminder to slow the hell down. Everyone else gets to speed on by, and point and laugh at his embarrassing predicament. Note: Red turtle shells also work well in this situation.

Scenario: You’re driving in the carpool lane. You want to be smugly racing past the other drivers who are not in the carpool lane. But you can’t because some confused person is going 50 in the carpool lane, causing a train of 15 irate drivers. Problem solved – Use your lightning bolt or blue shell. It takes out the “leader” of the pack. Cloggage unblocked, and you’re good to go.

And last but certainly not least… as this is probably the most desirable real-life Mario Kart item. The Starman.

Late to work? No problem.
Bumper-to-bumper traffic got you down? Or just feelin kinda feisty?
Starman’s got your back.

Not only will you be fist-pumping your way through traffic singing Eye of the Tiger, but everyone spinning out and fishtailing will be cheering you on. Because Starman is that freakin awesome. It’s on a pedestal. It’s a gosh darn miracle.

Risin’ up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive