The Great Baby Gate of China

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Awhile ago I expressed via Facebook my dissatisfaction with our baby gate arrangement at the Noob house. Both Noob Daddy and I didn’t want to deal with babyproofing the whole house (Second Child Syndrome), so we agreed to leave our combined kitchen/family room as the demilitarization zone (free territory), and instead, install baby gates at other high value checkpoints throughout the house. Basically, those doorways were selected simply because they fit the width of our junky 5-year-old baby gates. Read: Too cheap to buy appropriate baby gates.

On top of all this arbitrariness, neither Noob Daddy or I wanted to deal with putting baby locks on all of our kitchen cabinets and drawers. You know how every parenting book tells you to create a special kitchen drawer just for the baby so that he can play alongside as you cook, and he’ll be less tempted to play with your smatchet, shiny cookwarethe dipr, and of course your $100 brain discombobulator? Well, we did create a special drawer for NB2.0. Inadvertently. It happened to be the only drawer she learned to open on her own. At this point in my mothering career, I’ve learned that my fickle 1-year-old is just going to thumb her nose at me as she discards all the thoughtfully selected items I’ve set aside for her to play with. And… I’m too tired to move all my shit.

Sure enough, the novelty of bundt pans and tupperware wore off pretty quickly. Within a day or two, NB2.0 issued a decree: From this day forth, ALL the kitchen cabinets and drawers shall be mine. We succumbed and decided it was time to invest in some more appropriate baby gates for containing our little tyrant.

Let me just preface before I show you the photos:

1) Nothing says “classy” like a baby gate running through the center of your family room and kitchen.

2) And nothing says “Old Money” like a behemoth Costco shag rug to go with it.

babygate2

You think photographing me in this prison is humane, do you?

babygate

Psst… Hey, you! Come a little closer. I want you to smell sumthin.

Since I’m Chinese, I’ve decided it’s cool for me to call it our Great Baby Gate of China. It’s also long and gaudy enough to be seen from space. However, a part of me feels like it’s more accurate to liken it to the Berlin Wall, especially when the noobs are both trapped behind the wall pleading to be let out to the other side. Yeah, we’ve got a free economy and democracy on our side, but things are lookin pretty grim over there. Noob Baby (who’s 5 now and not really a baby) doesn’t have the thumb strength to open the gate yet, so she also gets trapped behind the wall (a clear indication that we need to have thumb wars more often). Sometimes NB2.0 sticks her chubby little legs through the bars and pleads to come over. Other days, she tries to barter her baby toys for cigarettes and ramen. As her warden, I do grant her permission to walk the yard for good behavior.

When Noob Kitty is on the free side of our wall, this scene plays out in my head. Just a little Disney shout out.

Noob Kitty has also shown great interest in being on the inside of the Wall. I can tell she finds our classy shag rug immensely intoxicating. Other times, she’s just like the noob babies with her face pressed against the bars meow-whimpering. Did I mention that our new baby gate configuration hasn’t solved the doorman syndrome? The one where I have to open the gate for Noob Kitty so she can access her litterbox. And then I proceed to open the laundry room door where her litterbox lives. Also, I’m the doorman for NB because of the aforementioned weak thumbs dilemma. Mademoiselles…

My conclusion is that this is as good as it gets for now. When we’re all done with this half-assed baby-proofing phase in a year or two {pointing gun to head}, you’d better believe we’re gonna have a huge Berlin Wall teardown party. We may have to chip off some pieces of gate to keep as souvenirs. Maybe not.

Do you have any ridiculous baby proofing stories? Or a hideous baby gate setup you’d like to expose? Email me your baby gate photos to noobmommy(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll post your FAIL photos on my Facebook page or here on the blog, depending on how many I get!

And if you need your very own Great Baby Gate aka Berlin Wall to class up your home, buy it here:

Comments

  1. 13

    I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme.
    Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?
    Plz answer back as I’m looking to create my own blog and would like to know where u got this from.
    thanks

  2. 14

    OMG Noob Mommy, you crack me up! By our third (and fingers crossed super hard) and last I must say, they are cute but they are stinkers! Our house never got un-proofed, but the gates had to go back up. Now that they are down, hallelujah…where is my toddler?? Thanks for the huge laugh!

  3. 15
    Allison Schmidt says:

    We too moved our cat box into the laundry room. I found a solution, It’s not super sexy, but considering your baby gate wall, it may add a bit of sanity back into your life. I caved and bought a cat door off of amazon and installed it in the lower right corner of the door. They make them cat sized, so it keeps the kids out, but I don’t have to worry about the cat being locked out of the box. It’s not a huge dog one and it doesn’t look too bad.

  4. 16

    Thank you so much for recommending this gate! My husband and I ordered two (via your site of course) and we just got them set up today. It is EXACTLY what we were looking for but couldn’t find at Babies R Us! We ordered two sets and hooked them together and it’s already a serviceable play area. Hopefully our little one likes it as much as we do. Thanks again!!

  5. 17
    Erin Barco says:

    We too have a Berlin Wall that’s we’ve named “Casey-land”. It’s plastic, and colorful, but on a good note is more chicken wire shaped so baby can’t barter with us or get limbs caught. Now it’s just blocking the fireplace and the sharp edged corners of the living room, with another gate blocking the stairs, and a Dutch door cutting off the rest of the living room. It’s awful.

  6. 18

    I happened to stumble upon your blog recently and have spent my Sunday morning perusing its posts while my little 12-week-old Noobs reads the Sunday paper. Just kidding, he’s actually on his playmat. I can completely relate to the unclassiness of baby gates. W e have a wide entrance between our living roo, and kitchen, and our baby gate is, oh, three feet to short. So my dearest husband rigged a bookcase to but up against it. It’s divine.

  7. 19
    Jess Johnson says:

    Love your posts! What baby gates are those? Our kiddo is just like a raptor- testing the bars and trying to plot how to climb the baby gates we have set up. Yours look tall and much less climbable =) Please share!

  8. 21

    Ha! LOVE your post today. We have a VERY similar set up at home, where our 1-yr old has also learned to open all of the kitchen cabinets we didn’t baby-lock (because we’re lazy) and we have to stop him before he breaks something (or drops pans on his toes). Also, as custom Disney itinerary planners, I of course love your shout out to the Pirates! :)
    Keep writing – a pleasure to read!

Trackbacks

  1. […] The Great Baby Gate of China – Noob Mommy http://noobmommy.com/Awhile ago I expressed via Facebook my dissatisfaction with our baby gate arrangement at the Noob house. Both Noob Daddy and I didn't want to deal with babyproofing the whole house (Second Child Syndrome), so we … […]

  2. […] The Great Baby Gate of China – Noob Mommy http://noobmommy.com/Since I'm Chinese, I've decided it's cool for me to call it our Great Baby Gate of China. It's also long and gaudy enough to be seen from space. However, a part of me feels like it's more accurate to liken it to the Berlin Wall, … […]

  3. […] The Great Baby Gate of China – Noob Mommy http://noobmommy.com/Awhile ago I expressed via Facebook my dissatisfaction with our baby gate arrangement at the Noob house. Both Noob Daddy and I didn't want to deal with babyproofing the whole house (Second Child Syndrome), so we … […]

  4. […] The Great Baby Gate of China – Noob Mommy http://noobmommy.com/Since I'm Chinese, I've decided it's cool for me to call it our Great Baby Gate of China. It's also long and gaudy enough to be seen from space. However, a part of me feels like it's more accurate to liken it to the Berlin Wall, … […]

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