I Interrupt This Post with a Major Announcement

One of my dearest friends had a beautiful baby girl this weekend, and I am beyond thrilled to have this amazing little person in my life. It certainly made for a fantastic Saturday being able to snuggle the precious peanut in all her swaddled up milky glory. I thought I’d send a big Noob Mommy welcome to the newest, most deserving parents who are now officially part of the Noob Parents Club. BWAHAHA! {THE CROWD GOES B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!}

WOW!  Let me just say that being in the hospital room (the same hospital that I delivered at) soaking in all that newborn goodness really sent me on a time warp! Has it really been nearly four years since Noob Baby was ejected out of my netherparts looking eerily like a baby chimp?! OK, when old people say … My, how time flies! Or, Look how much you’ve grown! I totally get it now. All you need is a kid to make you an old person. Well, let’s face it…once you have a kid, you have no more time. You’re just a person clocking the day from one feeding, one nap, or one bedtime to the next.

But, I will say that once you get to the preschool age … it does get better! School hours? Fan-freakin-tastic. Granted, I’m a stay-at-home mom who has the good fortune to relish that time to myself for the time being. At this age, sleep gets so so so much better! For instance, NB woke up at 8:00 am yesterday! When I wake up BEFORE my kid, I just lay in bed and cry.

Tears. Pouring down my face. Utter joy radiates from my body. My soul flies forth to the heavens and sing-weeps to Jesus.

And then, inevitably, parent paranoia (“parentoia”) hurls me back to reality. I force myself to climb out from my sleepy womb to check on her and make sure she’s still breathing. I mean, how could I possibly be awake before her?? It’s all that SIDS fear-mongering resurfacing years later. Not that I don’t believe in SIDS, but that shit will haunt you to the ends of earth. When NB is in college, I will be calling her in the middle of the night to make sure she’s sleeping on her back. “BACK TO SLEEP BITCHES!” That’s what the SIDS campaign should be called.

And……… that was a total digression.

What I wanted to say was that things have finally hit a nice stride lately. NB is going to school three days a week, sleeping great hours, and really moving towards a happy equilibrium (check out my previous post about the disequilibrium and equilibrium stages of child development). The tantrums and sassy comments have even dwindled down to almost none. So with that said, this would be the PERFECT time to throw all that good stuff out the window. Just sh*! all over it and make life incredibly more hectic, that’s what I say.

So How’s About That Announcement?

This May, Noob Baby will finally be relinquishing her title. We’ve decided it was time to give her a promotion based on her satisfactory stellar performance. Her new title will be — BIG SISTER! This “major announcement” is something I’ve been wanting to share with everyone here for awhile, but not quite sure how to do it.

I could’ve played it cool. Or played it super excited. Or maybe came up with some awesome photograph with the words “IT’S A GIRL!” superimposed over my heinously large belly.  But I thought it would be most appropriate (i.e. I got lazy) to just be myself … a total dork. So here is “our” (and by “our” I mean that Noob Daddy has no idea I’ve concocted such an atrocity and associated his name with it) amended family Constitution. On second thought, I think this Constitution may have to be my new Noob Mommy motto:

We The Noobs, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish permanent sleeplessness, insure domestic Chaos, provide for the common misadventure, promote the general Exhaustion, and secure the Blessings of Stress to ourselves and our Cat, do ordain and establish this Ridiculous Constitution for the United States of Noob Parents.

So now that I’ve lost half my readers with that clever witty nauseating “special” tidbit, would the remainder of you (if there are any) mind giving me some suggestions on what we should call Noob Baby #2 here on the blog? I think I’ll let “NB” keep her official title so as not to confuse everyone. Weigh in with your names! I’m all ears.


  1. 16

    CONGRATS NOOB FAMILY!! NG – you will make a fab big sis (ps being a big sis rocks!)

  2. 17

    Just wanted to say Congratulations!!!  I agree, Noob Girl has a cute ring to it!

  3. 18

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I vote for Noob Girl. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. 😉

  4. 19
    Jennifer S says:

    New reader, love the posts, think new baby should be DB or “Do-over Baby” since you’re not so NOOB mommy anymore and have years of experience to do everything *perfect* this time, hehe. Or, I second the NBV2.0. (Noob Baby Version 2.0)

    And…. CONGRATS!

    • 20

      As a “do over” mom, I agree that she should be DB! Your second isn’t a noob and with four years under your (expanding) belt — that is, if you are lucky enough to be wearing a belt still 😉 — you will be approaching things with #2 with a little more confidence and a little less trial and error. That being said, my second is four months old, and it’s been over two years since I’ve done all this newborn stuff with his sister and i will admit that there are many times (whom am I kidding, it’s practically all the time!) where I’m unsure, in tears, or down right panicked and feel the need to read the sleep book, consult with mommy-friends, call the pediatrician, or read your blog…
      PS congrats and good luck… Soak in ALL that 8am sleep that you can because two IS more than twice the work :) 

  5. 21

    Congratulations! Noob mommy!!

  6. 22
    Dana Quinn says:

    Congratulations! That is exciting news! I like Noob Girl, to answer your question

  7. 23

    Congratulations – you’re officially a BTDT (been there done that) Mommy now! You might have to figure out how to weave that in. I’m due in May, too with #3 (#1 – 3 yrs, #2 – 2yrs) yet – believe it or not – I feel like I’m doing it all over again for the first time. Can’t wait to hear about the new adventures.

  8. 24

    CONGRATS!!!!! I’m so excited for you!

  9. 25

    Congratulations!!! Ive been following your blog for a couple years now and I was wondering when this announcement was going to be made!! 😉

  10. 26

    congratulations! i think noob baby 1 being promoted to noob girl or noob sister and noob baby 2 being noob baby sounds like a great idea. or you could just call her noob baby 2.0 =)
    as for regular names, my favorite girl name is audrey, but im biased as that is the name of my own noob baby 2.0. life with 2 is more than twice the work! but my second noob came along before we started preschool, and it definitely got easier when noob one started going to preschool 5 days a week. anyway, congratulations! i will still be your loyal bleader. umm blog reader, the contraction doesnt sound so great haha

  11. 27

    Congrats Noob Mommy! I am a fan of #2, but I can only say that as a first born myself…I’m sure my own siblings don’t appreciate it, but too bad! As a younger sibling, they should just get used to it now! :) I do think a promotion to Noob Girl is also a good idea…and a bit more respectful to #2!

  12. 28

    Yay for #2!  Could you just call it like it is?  Noob Baby #2, NB2, NBII (as in the second)?  NB Sr. and NB Jr.?  NB2 would certainly allow for ease of recognition, ease of future Noob designations, and, as a bonus, would probably give the baby a nice big complex somewhere down the line…  😉  Congrats, Mamacita!

  13. 29

    Congratulations, Noob Mommy! Best wishes for a smooth journey!

  14. 30

    Congrats, Noob Mommy! Hmmm, a new name? Well, I don’t see why you couldn’t graduate NB to Noob Girl. I know it’s a big deal at our house not to be a “baby” anymore.

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